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Friday, October 31, 2008

Teaching?

So I had a thought recently, and reading Chelsie's post about teaching inspired me to write it down.

Maybe, after my overseas experience is over, I'll go back to school. I had already thought about that, but I didn't know what it would be for. And I still don't know, but I was thinking maybe I'd finish my master's in Rhet/Comp. Substituting has made me see A LOT of stuff about education. And I think what I really want to do, if I stick with education, is what I was already studying to do, which is teach college level composition. I know, I know, if I want to do that, then why did I quit grad school? Well, these things aren't black and white, although my dad would like to believe they are (there may be a blog on him at a later time). A few reasons:

  1. Burn out. Enough said.
  2. Not having a clue at the time what I really wanted to do. And now, I don't feel like I'm signing my life away just because it's easier than exploring options.
  3. I just knew it was time for me to leave. Very hard to do, but time. People don't have to understand that, but it's true.
  4. This is mine. Before it wasn't. And that's very important to me.

Those are the basics. I still don't know for sure if that's what I'll do. I'm still pondering law school and public school certification. And who knows what else may come along in the next couple of years. But I was also thinking, especially since I had to quit teaching swimming lessons this week (which totally broke my heart and I wish I could just do that all the time, but it doesn't pay the bills) that if I was teaching, either in college or public school, that summers off would leave time for swim coaching/teaching, which I would definitely be into. I just need to figure out if that's what I want. There are a lot of things I hate about it. But things I love, and teaching my own subject to my own students would be better.

Even if I do go back to school, I think I'll try to finish the degree at another school. I miss Corpus a lot right now, but I feel like my chapter there is over and it's time for new chapters in other places. I guess I'd just have to see if that's possible. But not anytime soon; I have enough to do now.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

my rollercoaster

Today, I was thinking about how I get going on a really good path and then get totally self-destructive for a little while, which is something I think about a lot.

When I'm in the good place, I always think, "Now, I've got it. This time I'm going to keep this going and not fall into that trap." But I always fall into it. For a day, a week, a month, whatever. I can never predict how long.
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But the new thought I had today was that maybe that dark place is something I need. Maybe it's a ying and yang type thing; I can't have the light without the dark. It is true that I am either way up or way down, and I'm learning that is something I will probably always struggle with, but I'm hoping at least that it will become easier to manage as I get older. But anyway, as sick as it sounds, I kind of enjoy my dark moods. I kind of like listening to depressing music, feeling pessimistic, like I can hate anything and not care about anything and just let all the demons run free inside me. It's sooo weird to me right now that I'm reading Jekyll and Hyde and just finished Mary Reilly and now I'm having this revelation, and I didn't even make the connection until after I wrote it down just now. Wow. I am Dr. Jekyll. I think that because I care so much, all of the time, that it's just too exhausting and you just can't try that hard all the time. Just like Dr. J. I guess I finally understand what Matt (the counselor) told me 2 1/2 years ago: so what if sometimes I just want to be in a bad mood, listen to depressing music, have all kinds of existential thoughts, and write existential poetry? Then, I couldn't see how that could be okay. Now, I'm beginning to.

However, even with my new revelation, I am still striving for a balance in all things. But I also think that that may be something I am always working toward but never 100% achieving.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

slanted optimism

Wow. Two days in a row.

It's self-preservation.

Deciding that you're happy with the way things turn out. You're glad that things happened the way they did, even if it wasn't what you really wanted...or still want.

Logically, you know that there is no point in having regrets, so you make yourself happy with whatever turn of events comes your way. It saves you from lamenting over bad decisions, failed attempts, loss.

In that way, we're all optimists.

Although of course, I suppose not everyone thinks this way.

I don't know if it's really possible not to have ANY regrets. I think it's ok to say you would've done something differently if you had it to do over, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you want to do it over or that you regret what happened after that decision or instance.

There's just so much gray area in everything.

I have to stop being so abstract. Well, at least some of the time.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

rushes of thoughts and emotion

I have to stop writing these things when it's late and I want to go to sleep. I need to do it when I have more time to process.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed (word choice?) by this uncontrollable sadness. Or rush of emotion, determination, etc. I suppose that's normal. Maybe. Like today, when I was watching Living Proof and how hard that guy had to fight for his project, to see it through and to really make a difference. Sometimes it seems so easy to make a difference in books and movies, even when it's a true story, but it really isn't. It's a big fucking deal. Which kind of gets me thinking about career choice/next move when I come back from overseas. Teach, go to law school, go back to grad school, move somewhere new and across the country, hell, stay abroad, who knows. But I know that I haven't come this far in refusing to settle to pretend to decide right now. Life has shown me time and time again how foolish that would be. Part of the reason I haven't really picked any kind of career path (other than fear, anxiety, and a general rebellious nature) is that I won't sell out. I know that I want to do something meaningful, and as naive as that sounds, and as much as I know that it's really easy to say that and never end up doing anything at all, I really believe it. And it's not like I'm doing nothing. I've got my next step planned out, and that's all I need for now.

Anyway, I really hope I'm not like Joan Crawford in personality. I just finished reading Mommie Dearest, and while I know I'm not crazy, love-starved, or an alcoholic, I do see a few similarities, like difficulty getting close to people, talking about deep feelings (which I guess is why I have this blog)...I don't think I'm that fucked up about relationships, though. I don't want to say I've got myself all figured out, because that would be REALLY naive, but I have figured out some things about myself and what works for me, regardless of what seems to work for everyone else. Like my close friends, how I make friends and meet people, my moods, needing to do things in my own time. By that I mean schedule. Ok. I'm rambling. I'm still trying to work some stuff out. I'm beginning to see that that's a lifelong process and in many cases a day to day struggle. Just knowing that makes me feel better.

I was thinking that maybe I'd write a story about struggle and coming up out of the darkness. I don't know if that would be cliche. I guess it would depend on how I wrote it. It just seems like there's a whole lot of those, but I guess it's just an archetype thing. I'm just really resisting becoming like all those other novelists out there. I'm still waiting on my own identity as a writer a little bit. But I think to find it, I need to write. I'll probably start that story, or something like it, and see how it goes. But not tonight.

Wow, I'm longwinded in writing (sooo much easier than talking). But that's something else I do know about myself.

p.s. It's funny how much easier this is away from the school environment. But I needed the school environment to learn it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

G-town thoughts

*I need to remember that I'm listening to On the Surface right now. So when I can afford music again, I can buy it. I'm going through withdrawls!

I just wanted to write a little bit about this time in Granbury. This very weird and long overdue transition for me. I keep thinking that I know I'll write so much more when I'm in Prague, but I can't wish my life away. The stuff that happens now is important too.

So what does my life consist of right now? Teaching swimming lessons, swimming masters, substitute teaching, sleeping, trying to sell shit on amazon...occasionally getting to spend time with friends. Spending as little money as possible...and, of course, BUYING PLANE TICKETS ACROSS THE FREAKING OCEAN!!I still can't believe I did that. In a good way.

But, as much as I am looking forward to my journey, I can't forget about the journey I am in the middle of. As busy as I've been, I've had a lot of time for reflecting. And I find a lot of joy in simple things I am doing right now: a lot of them swimming related (of course, haha), but other things too, like weekend roadtrips (where mom pays for gas) and when kids I sub for act sad that I'm not coming back to their class the next day. That could be some kind of weird validation. Oh, well.

For the first time in my life, I'm really working TOWARD something real and something that I have no questions that I want. I'm scared, sure. I don't know what will happen, but even if it's terrible, it will be an incredible adventure. And no matter what, it's MINE. And I'm doing this for no one but myself. I'm out on my own and not considering anyone else or anything that might be more "practical" for me. Knowing myself (and I feel like during this transition, I have reeeeally gotten to know myself, more than ever), it's weird to say it, but that's a first. I've never made a major decision without considering leaving people or places behind or the possibility of a relationship of some kind.

One thing that does scare me is my relationship with my parents and how it will change when I leave. Yes, I did live away from home for 5 years, but when I leave again, I will have been home for 7 1/2 months, longer than I've been home since before I moved out. I've gotten used to seeing and talking to my parents everyday again and being a part of each other's day to day lives. Yes, they drive me crazy sometimes and we have our differences, but it's going to be weird not to have that again. It'll go back to talking once or twice a week, sending a few emails, and just telling each other the highlights. I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it. I guess it's always like that with everything...you can never have anything both ways.

I'll continue these G-town thoughts later. I'm tired. And I'll try not to make every post between now and February about Prague stuff. I have so many more other things I need to get out of me.

Monday, October 13, 2008

My 1st blog in at least 3 years

I'm going to make this one short; I just wanted to get started. I have the day off today, and I have a bunch of recorded shows to watch, so I'm anxious to start the couch potato time. I'll get deep (probably way too deep) later.

I used to have a xanga, and I blogged ALLLLL the time. Friends would tell me it was their entertainment, like a soap opera (I was 18-20 during this time and very dramatic). I stopped doing it because I started to think I was censoring myself in a way because I was always writing for an audience. But after awhile, I stopped journaling altogether and eventually stopped writing, which is something I think I need. Of course, I was a little burned out because of school (I have an English degree), but I've missed it.

I think I've realized that it doesn't really matter if all of my journals or blogs have some kind of audience in mind. I find it very difficult to write without one. If writing is communication and/or expression, I need someone to communicate with or express myself to. I'm in my own head all the time; I don't need to write to myself.

That said, it doesn't matter if no one reads this. I just need to feel that someone could and would understand what I'm writing.

That's all for now. More to come soon.