adapting to your shit

Sometimes, even though you see yourself differently, more evolved, it can be hard to get other people to see you that way.

I understand this. I mean, without getting too deep here, do people ever really fundamentally change? Maybe not. I don't know, but I think part of the challenge is not changing really, but learning how to adapt and be successful in spite of your flaws and mistakes. Basically, getting your shit together. YOUR shit. Finding a way to make YOUR shit work for you.

Anyway, I am struggling with this right now. I know my track record doesn't look so good, to the completely unobjective third party who doesn't know me. I understand these people's doubts. I really do; however, what's frustrating me is that I feel like I'm being judged on who I was and what I did two years ago, when I feel completely different. I see myself completely differently. Almost as if I'm being considered based on another person's actions. But how do I convince other people that nothing is the same? I think what it comes down to is someone giving me a chance and allowing actions to speak louder than words. How can I show what I can do if no one will give me that chance?

I know there are a lot of other things for them to consider. It's a lot bigger deal taking a chance on someone when they're traveling across an ocean to come work for you.

I'm going to get completely paranoid for a second, just to get it out of my system: even if the Korea thing doesn't work out, like no one would hire me there because of past mistakes, what reason would anyone, anywhere, have to hire me, or even to accept me for school or something? Let's face it, my track record in general is not so great. My fear is that I've built up all this inconsistency that's made me unhirable and unacceptable in all areas.

Just typing that makes me feel better because I realize how ridiculous it is. It looks so much more ridiculous in print than it does locked inside my head. And anyway, there were specific things that went wrong in the interview that sparked this post. Specific people whom I feel were not on my side from the beginning, even before things got seriously derailed. I could tell it just wasn't right, and to be honest, even before the decision was made (not in my favor, obviously), I was considering other options. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared the same thing will happen with the next one, or if I said my confidence wasn't a little shaken, but I just have to keep going and trust that something will work out. I really just have to put this behind me.

I guess I might as well stop being cryptic and just say what happened: I had an interview with a school in Korea where one of my friend works (she helped me get the interview). There were two people interviewing me: an American guy and a Korean woman. I could tell the American guy was not impressed with me from the beginning. I'm not sure why, but we were just not on the same page. I'll go as far as to say I thought he was kind of a dick. I thought the Korean lady liked me though. Anyway, I got off the phone, and they called me right back because they (he) had just noticed the dates of my previous Korean experience on my resume (which of course was less than a year), and they wanted an explanation. I told the truth for the most part, but they wanted to talk to that school. I sent them the phone number for the school and told them who to talk to (although who knows who they actually talked to). A few hours later, I had an email saying I didn't get the job. Now, part of me thinks I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway, part of me thinks that is why I didn't get the job but because they think it looks suspicious, not because the school said anything bad about me, and part of me thinks they said something bad and is dying to know what it was. But of course, I'll never know. And I really think that guy was suspicious of me, for whatever reason, from the beginning and the other thing was just a reason for him to say no. Of course, it all adds to the fear that other schools will ask to talk to my old school and I'll keep getting turned down over and over again. This is what I mean about being judged on my past. But I really think lying about the dates would be worse. I think that would come back to haunt me big time. So I'll just keep being honest and hope that I get better vibes from the next school.

liberation

For all the great (or not so great) semi-feminist literature, movies, TV shows, what-have-you out there featuring strong women leads, I would like to see a few changes made. Otherwise, all of these stories are only new ways to perpetuate old stereotypes. You'll see why I said semi-feminist.

First of all, can we at least once please see a tale of a girl who doesn't end up with a guy? Why does the guy even have to be a part of the equation? In real life, very few personal quests a woman can go on de facto end up with getting a boyfriend and riding off into the sunset. I realize that love stories sell movie tickets, but what about those of us who aren't secretly bombshells under our freakiness? What about those of us who choose to embrace the freedom of being single, rather than see it as some unfortunate thing that happened to us? Why don't we get stories to relate to? When people see single guys, they tend to assume it's a choice. He's enjoying being a bachelor. He doesn't want to be tied down. When they see a single girl, they pity her. They tell her not to worry, she'll find someone. He's out there. You know what? Maybe he's not. And that's okay. I AM ENOUGH. And I refuse to consider anyone else when defining myself.

Another reason, other than romance (and sex) sells, I think these stories are perpetuated is that on some level, there are true elements to them. I know, that kind of contradicts everything I just said. But let me explain. I have easily the most inactive love life of all of my friends. I always have. I wish I had learned to be okay with that a lot sooner, but my point is that I watch quite literally all of my friends date, get noticed, get flirted with, have relationships, get married, etc., etc. And it's never me (although it is true that when I'm being flirted with, I don't usually even notice). Not only do my friends not realize this (I kind of think that they, like me, think it's just not possible for me... wow, I am being REALLY honest right now), but I don't think they could handle it if it were them. They don't know what it's like for love (well, romance... sex, whatever) not to be in the picture. I don't how else to put it, but they just don't get it. (And if you're reading this, don't tell me that you do--you don't. Press me on this and I'll get even more detailed as to why you don't).

So, getting back to my point about literature, it is my feeling that if my friends, and other girls, saw a movie, read a book, whatever, with a female lead, where there was no love story, they would be like, "where was the love story? Why didn't she meet a guy? She deserved to meet a guy. You know what would've made that better? A love story with a hot guy!" Ick. Again, why are we qualifying her success, her life, her happiness with love?

So for all of the work that our women's liberation movement predecessors did (and they did a whole hell of a lot), I don't think we're truly liberated until we can see our lives totally independent of men (I realize that we live in a co-ed world, and that's a good thing, but I'm talking about how we see ourselves looking inward). And when that happens, it will be reflected in literature and art.

Let me also make clear that I am not a man-hater. I respect and am friends with many dudes. I just want to be seen, valued and treated independently of men. I don't have anything against getting married, having babies, or having relationships. I don't really have anything against people who make those choices being represented in art. I would just like to see something I could relate to, for once. I can't be the only one.

Afraid of the dark: A tale of crazy

I'm currently sitting on the couch at my grandmother's house, watching 19 Kids and Counting, and perusing the world wide web at 1 a.m. During this time, I have read two complete blogs (by that, I mean blogs that I discovered today and read from the time the writer started them to the most recent entry). I think it's kind of like the reality TV phenomenon; there's just something so fascinating about learning intimate details of other people's lives. If you're fascinated by that kind of thing too, you're in luck. I'm about to admit a whole bunch of details.

Anyway, the reason I am up this late, and with all the lights on, is that my grandmother is spending the night at the hospital with my grandfather. He fell this morning and had to be taken to the hospital for tests. He's ok, they just kept him overnight to be sure.

So, I haven't gone to bed because I have this weird phobia about staying in houses overnight by myself. That's right, I'll admit it: I'm 26 years old and afraid of the dark. Only when I'm alone though. And even then, I'm generally ok as long as I'm in an apartment that's not on the first floor. Geez, reading all my specifics on this issue makes me sound a little crazy. But it is what is, at least for now. I don't think I'd be so scared if I had a dog here with me either. But I don't.

I have a WILD imagination. I always have. I event all these crazy scenarios in my head that are very, very unlikely (on the flip side of that, I'm hoping I can channel my imagination into my creative writing, but lately I'm having trouble making myself spend that much time in front of the computer since I'm already in front of it for work all day). And now, it doesn't help that part of my job is to read police reports. When I first started working at a newspaper a year and a half ago, the other reporter, who had been there 30+ years, was the most paranoid person I had ever met. Now I can see why. I take weird, OCD precautions for my safety all the time. Which probably aren't all that effective. Some people would call it borrowing trouble. I need to stop.

Some of this stems from having my house broken into last year. I had trouble sleeping at all for about a month after that happened. And I have still not, since then, been able to go to sleep without at least one light on (not in the room where I'm sleeping). I sleep with a kitchen knife next to me, and I always have my phone and my car keys right there in case I need to call 911 or make a quick escape. I know all of this stuff is irrational, and I'm realizing it more as I write about it. But if I don't do all these things, I can't relax. Now that I'm staying with my grandmother, when she's gone for the night (like now), I sleep on the couch. With the TV on. If I stay in my room, I feel like I'm trapping myself in a corner. And tonight, for example, I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably won't let myself go to sleep, or restful sleep anyway, until 5 or 6 a.m. See, by that time, people are already waking up to go to work and I don't feel so alone. All these embarrassing quirks are what keep me from watching crime shows (which I actually love) and scary movies (which I couldn't care less about).

I really don't know how people live in houses alone, with no dogs. Hell, even with dogs. There's no one there to convince you you're crazy when you think you hear something. Even if it's just an illusion, there's safety in numbers. I have no desire to ever have a house by myself.

Ok. I'm going to stop now before I cross over into COMPLETELY crazy land. But I have to say, it helps just to get all of this out of me. It consumes so much head space sometimes that I think what I needed was just to expel it from me.

Nevertheless, I see a serious nap in my future tomorrow.

not a fight... but still

I just had a really stupid fight with one of my best friends. It wasn't even really a fight, it was just a pissy conversation that ended with us basically hanging up on each other.

I got kind of upset after I got off the phone. I didn't really know why at first, it was so stupid, I had just called to see what she was doing this weekend and she was not feeling very well and had a lot of stuff to do tomorrow so she was basically not available.

Maybe it was the way she said it that made me get sensitive. Like I was really bugging her by even asking. I mean, I didn't know she was sick before I called. But more than likely, her pissy mood had nothing to do with me. She probably just really didn't feel good.

And the thing is, on my end, it wasn't really about her either. I got upset because once again, I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to see. See, she is my only friend within 200 miles of me. I'm not upset that she has a life; she should. I'm upset that I don't. I'm upset because I'm so sick of being trapped in the house everyday (I work from home which sounds cool but so isn't) with no one to talk to but my grandmother. I'm sick of not knowing anyone (and not being in a position to meet people), so when the one person I do know is busy, there's no one else to call. I'm sick of watching everyone else (including the people 200+ miles away) go about their lives while I'm stuck waiting. Again.

I know if you're reading this, you probably think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and that ALL of this is my own fault. You're right. But I've gotten so good at shutting myself off and not engaging in the present that I'm afraid I don't know how to do anything else.

I've figured a lot out in these past few months. Or years. Don't judge. And I think all of that is really beneficial. Or will be, if I can make it through the next few months without going insane. But right now, in this moment, I'm wondering what it's all been for.

All the same, I think I will not be calling the above mentioned friend for awhile. I've probably been relying on her too much anyway.