dreams of America

What I'm struggling with right now is that going home seems so close and yet SO. FAR. Like it will never get here. Ugh. I need to stop thinking about it so much because that makes it worse.

Anyway, I'm starting a list of things I want to do as shortly after returning to the U.S. as possible:

• go on a road trip to see as many friends and family as possible (including my BFF's baby whom I haven't met yet, so he can go ahead and start thinking of me as his cool Aunt Sarah)
• on that note, drive my car
• eat Mexican food
• swim in a pool that isn't crowded with hundreds of gawking Asians
• work out ANYWHERE not crawling with hundreds of gawking Asians
• walk down a street not filled with hundreds of gawking Asians
• eat Mexican food
• go to a concert
• float the river
• go shopping in stores that carry my size
• eat Mexican food
• eat barbecue
• not eat Asian food for at least a year
• get a haircut without being terrified of the outcome
• go to Zoe's Kitchen and Jason's Deli... at least once a week... why are so many of these about food? haha
• another one: cook, bake, in a real kitchen with an OVEN

I'm sure I will keep adding to this throughout the next 3 months. 

just a run-of-the-mill update

Well, it's Sunday, and you know what that means. Update time. And it's pouring down rain outside, so I'm perfectly content to hole up in my apartment and play on the computer. I love rainy weekends.

It's been a rather enlightening week for me. Time is really starting to fly, and I hope that continues. I've pretty much made my peace with being here, but it is not easy. Anyway, it's exactly 2 weeks until my 27th birthday. I don't think 27 is old, but it's still hard to believe I'm in my late 20s. But enough age talk. I have 3 more years before I really have to freak out.

I've also been (lately, not just this week) realizing how much I want to keep teaching (and traveling, but we'll get to that). It's funny how this year was supposed to be something I had to get through to save money to become something else and I ended up finding what I really want to do. Yeah, I tried this road 3 years ago and it didn't work out, but I think I just wasn't ready then. I'm 2 weeks away from my halfway point for this year, and I've thought several times during the past 6 months that I regretted coming back. It hasn't been an easy road (in so many ways I could never have imagined beforehand), and it definitely hasn't been the magical foreign experience everyone imagines before they do something like this, but it has definitely been worth it - just not in the ways I thought it would be.

So anyway, I've been throwing myself into work and allowing myself to let go and enjoy it. This is a really significant a-ha moment for me after so many years of trying things out and so many failed attempts and so much soul searching. How typical for me to give into something I fought so hard against for so long, something I thought I couldn't do.

I guess I don't have much exciting news to report this week. It was a long, tiring week back to work after vacation, but it went pretty well. I definitely think my kindergarten experience ends after this year. I still don't have any friends in Daejeon, but I guess that's just the way it is. Luckily I am independent by nature.

maybe I'm meant for this life after all

I've been saying for the past several months that I was disappointed in myself because I always thought, from a young age, that I would be good at living overseas. I felt like I was just failing miserably at it, over and over again. Or I would be on the brink of being successful at it, like the first time in Korea, but I would give up before I had the chance.

One of the major things I've noticed in life is that things take time to get good. You have to give things a few months usually before you can really make an informed decision about them. Sometimes, you want things to be good and you try so hard to make them good, but after a few months you have to accept that they're not working and make a new plan. But more often, the first few months are shaky and you question what you're doing and why you're doing it. You long for the life you had before you took on the new endeavor. You daydream about life after this phase.

And then, without trying or doing it consciously, things sort of become business as usual, and you realize suddenly that everything's ok and you're doing it. A little further down the line, you may find that you actually like what you're doing. You may find that you're even good at it. You may start to question those future plans you made when you were daydreaming about getting the hell out of there.

All of this has been a very long preface to say that the way my job and my travel experiences have been going lately, I'm starting to rethink my plans for next year. I don't want to stay in Korea (I think I've done Korea), and I do want to go home at least for a couple of months, but I'm sort of thinking about paying off some loans when I'm done and then trying another country. There are some great opportunities out there, and with a full year of experience and my TEFL certificate, I have a lot of options.

One of the things this year is teaching me is that I really am a good teacher. And more importantly, I actually like teaching. More specifically, I'm learning what ages and subjects I like the best. I may even consider being a real teacher at home eventually. If the job market ever improves.

I mean, we'll see how the second half of the year goes. I may just be on a vacation high right now. But living here on my own and traveling to Vietnam especially have shown me that I don't have to be scared of a lot of the things that terrified me before. I am good at the expat life. It's just not easy, like I assumed it would be.

Empowered by Vietnam

Let me start off by saying that Vietnamese coffee (and food) may be the best I've ever had. Seriously. Yum. I write this as I sit in one of the many coffee shops in Ho Chi Minh City.

Second, I can say with confidence that this has been the best trip of my life so far for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I did it by myself. That made for a few lonely moments, and going to the bar (which I only did once) wasn't nearly as much fun, but proving to myself that I could travel to the most different country I've ever been to on my own and survive was so worth it. Not to mention having complete freedom and control on your vacation is no small thing.

This is why I wanted to come to Asia in the first place - all the things I've seen and done here are what drew me back in the very beginning, three years ago. For awhile, I thought I would never realize that dream, and now I've started to. And there's so much more to see. Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia... I've already booked trips to Japan and China. I know I won't get to see every place I want to go, at least not this year -reality calls - but now I feel like I've reaffirmed how important it is to do as much as I can while I'm already over here.

Tonight, I leave for the land of the morning calm (korea). I need to remember to take more advantage of that country also. This post was more of a feeling-oriented, sense of empowerment update. I'll write a longer one after I get back telling about this trip and what I actually did. Much more exciting. :)

the definition of insanity

Well, folks, it's blogging Sunday again. And let me just first provide you with the disclaimer that at the moment I feel like an emotional wreck, so this post will probably result in me coming off like a psychopath.

It's funny how certain songs can take you back. More than just, "oh, that song makes me think of middle school," which is what tends to happen when I watch reruns of Dawson's Creek. I mean songs that very specifically remind you of a particular life event or something you went through.

"Why Can't I?" by Liz Phair just came on my Pandora shuffle, and instantly I was 18 again, somewhere on US Highway 281 between Corpus Christi and Granbury, wondering what happened to my life. Maybe this hits me so hard because almost 9 years later, I'm still wondering. Anyway, at that time in my life, I was just starting college (at a college I had only decided to attend 3 weeks before school started), my first boyfriend had just broken up with me, and for a lot of reasons I felt like I had gone from being on top of the world after just finishing high school to everything going right down the crapper. The year was a series of difficult life lessons that ended up being some of the best memories I have. My first taste of adulthood, although I was still such a baby. (I'll probably look back on my life right now in 10 years and think I'm a baby now, but that's just the way it goes).

Hearing that song today sort of made me feel like what I'm going through now mirrors what I went through then. Now, I am not nearly so naive, there is no guy in the picture, and I am an actual adult rather than a college student, but I still find that I make a lot of the same mistakes and find myself in similar predicaments (....isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Maybe we don't need to entertain that...) I mean seriously, what is that? I've uprooted myself enough to realize that I often fall victim "geographical solution," where you relocate yourself as a solution to your problems, instead of dealing with them, and of course what happens is that they follow you.

I get so excited about the next phase, the next adventure, and then once I'm in it, I can't wait to leave. I have a constant countdown running in my head. I'm now afraid that I don't know how to live without one. Seven months. 30 weeks. 200 days, give or take. The amount of time it's been since last Christmas. That's how long I have until I can come home. I don't want to treat this like a prison sentence, but that's what it feels like sometimes. I keep imagining the moment I will walk through the doors of the international terminal at DFW airport to see my parents there waiting for me. I imagine the feeling that this was all worth it, that I got what I came for. I imagine the sense of accomplishment I will have for seeing this through.

On the other hand, today I was thinking about the sadness I felt when I was leaving Korea the first time. Today, it occurred to me that I honestly don't think I would feel that way if I left Korea tomorrow. See, last time, I had connected with people, I had gotten to the point where I liked my kids and had more or less made peace with the school. This time, I don't really have any problems with the school or my job, I mean sure there are mild annoyances, but that's any job. But I have no social support system. Outside of work and the gym, I feel the most secure and happy when I'm spending time with my three friends in this country, each of whom lives in a different city and therefore is not a part of my day to day life. Honestly, if I left to come home right now I don't think I would care. I would feel sad that it didn't work out, but I don't think there is anything at all I would miss (I did miss things about Korea itself last time, but by now I think I've been Korea-ified enough to last me a lifetime). Of course, if I did that I would miss out on the severance pay and free plane ticket home I will receive at the end, but I'm talking more about my own feelings than about practical things. I think this whole thing is something I was trying to make up for botching when I was 23/24 and now I just want to move past it, which I ironically couldn't achieve (or chose not to achieve) without coming back.

I keep trying not to be alone, and I keep ending up alone anyway. What is the point?

enjoying the ride

Being able to show someone around really shows me how far I've come. It solidifies my confidence that I know what I'm doing and I've really settled in and found my groove. This weekend, my dear friend Brandy who lives the Seoul area came to visit me. I've met up with Brandy in Seoul a few times since I've been here, but this was her first trip to Daejeon.

I'm happy to report that it was a fabulous one! First of all, it's just so nice to have someone to hang out with - especially someone who knows me, who I'm not worried about making a good impression on. (That was a terrible sentence. Oh, well.) Anyway, we shopped, we ate Mexican food, we went to Starbucks, we hit up some bars I'd been wanting to try and/or hadn't been to in a long time. Most foreigners were away at the mud festival (which Brandy and I both kept saying we were so glad we chose to skip) so all the foreigner hangouts were pretty sparse, but that's ok. We had fun anyway.

This morning, she's on her way back home and I've spending this rainy Sunday watching movies and making pancakes. I'll do more productive things like laundry and getting stuff ready for the week later on this afternoon. Speaking of rain, the rainy season has definitely arrived. It's rained for at least a couple of hours every day for the past week or so. I don't really mind it though. It's not too hot, just incredibly humid. And I like the clouds because they mean the sun isn't waking me up at 5:30 a.m.

I read on Facebook yesterday that someone I know (not well, but we went to the same college, have mutual friends and both ended up in Korea, so we became FB friends) pulled a midnight run this weekend. Apparently, things were so bad at his school that he, his wife, and three other teachers all planned and executed this massive escape all at once. That means come tomorrow morning, the school will be short FIVE foreign teachers. Wow. I don't blame them. They said the school was flagrantly stealing from them and their boss was a total jerk. I feel so fortunate that, while my school has its flaws, it's nothing so bad as that. There has never been a problem with pay, and our directors do A LOT for us. The owner is a little sketch, but in my opinion, the directors make up for it, and things could be a million times worse.

However, I did learn on Friday that a teacher is leaving at the end of August (8 months before his contract is up), which ordinarily wouldn't really affect me, but the school is probably not going to replace him. Our afternoon enrollment has been going down every month, so right now it appears that we can get by with one less teacher. This means that all the foreign teachers are going to get more classes come September, which I am none too happy about, but I just gotta roll with it. And try my best to demand more money, but who knows whether that will work or not. I've more or less come to terms with it, it's only 6 months, it's just Korea, and I feel like I know what I'm doing well enough now that I can handle it. It'll be ok. And who knows, maybe they'll replace him after all. But I'm not holding my breath.

It would take a lot for me to give up and come home early this time. Things would have to get really, really bad. And I really don't see that happening (fingers crossed). Plus, I have so many exciting things planned in the next six months that I don't want to give up. And there's the big chunk of money we get at the end of the year (assuming the school doesn't do anything shady, like fire us right before our contracts are up or shut down and refuse to pay anyone's severance or flight tickets home, but again, I really don't see that happening. I just know other people it has happened to. At other schools. But even in the grand scheme of things, that would suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world.) And, most importantly, there's the promise I made to myself to finish this and prove to myself I can do it, unless circumstances beyond my control prevent me from it. But so far, so good. All I can do is relax and go with the flow.

I'm finally starting to let go and enjoy the ride. Let's keep that going.

And in other news, two weeks from this very moment, I will be exploring the streets of Ho Chi Minh City!!!! What is UP.

getting over the hump and where things start to get shady

I guess Sunday has become my designated blog day. Although I don't think I posted last week.

I'm still on the roller coaster. I wake up most mornings thinking, "crap, I'm still here." I feel like I'm inching, inching along to the six month mark. In three weeks, I'll be in Vietnam, and that will be the five month mark, a pretty good milestone, especially considering I'll pass it while on vacation. Then, a month later, the much-anticipated halfway point will arrive. This is such a big deal to me because I kind of see it as getting over the hump. The first half of things tends to go by slower than the second half, so I'm sort of counting on this experience to be that way too. I don't know, halfway just seems like such an accomplishment. Like, if I can make it through half of this, surely I can make it through the other half. That sounds really dumb, but I know what I mean.

Plus, the second half includes my Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving) trip to Japan with a friend who's coming to visit from home (two exciting things rolled into a very exciting 10 days!) and my trip to China for Christmas. As well as smaller things like Halloween, lunar New Year (which I probably won't do anything big for but it's still a five-day weekend), the kindergarten talent show and graduation, and then I'll be HOME. Please, time, hurry up. I want to enjoy my time here, I just want to do it quicker.

Also, the six month mark will occur simultaneously with my birthday! I plan on hitting up a wine buffet in Seoul that a friend of mine went to for her birthday, and it was fantastic. Unfortunately, the Friday night of my birthday weekend (my birthday is on a Sunday this year, so the wine festivities will take place on Saturday), I got guilted into helping chaperone the PAJAMA PARTY at school. Which means Rachael, Pierre and I, along with some of the Korean teachers, are basically babysitting a bunch of elementary school kids ALL NIGHT LONG. Oh, and did I mention we don't get paid for it? They can't technically make us do it, but she (my boss) pushed and pushed until I felt like I couldn't say no.

So, along those lines, things are starting to get a tad shady at my school. I mean, hagwons are always a little on the shady side, but our owner has started getting a little shadier. The enrollment in our afternoon program has gone down (that's when the elementary and middle school kids come after public school), so we're doing this summer intensive program where the kids come in the morning while they have a month off from public school, which means we each are teaching an extra class every day for the month of August. Originally, we were told we would be paid overtime for that class. Now, we've been told no one will be paid extra for it because we won't technically be going over the legal cap of 30 teaching hours a week where he would legally have to pay us overtime. The hours we get paid for don't include planning time, which I knew, but I just think it's shady that we were told we would get paid and now we're not. And that I have to stay up all night on a Friday with a bunch of 8 year olds and not get paid for it.

Ok. Rant over. At the very least, Rachael, Pierre and I are all in this together and we should have some good stories to tell. I keep trying to go back to my mantra: It's just Korea. It's just Korea. It's temporary. And really, my directors at school (shady owner aside) have been so great, and things could so totally, definitely be ten thousand times worse. I am just trying to train myself not to borrow trouble. I let my imagination run wild sometimes and think "what if this happened or that happened or they try to make me do this or it interferes with this and what would I do?" But I can't live like that. I'll drive myself crazy. All I can do is take it as it comes. Take it as it comes. Take it as it comes. Mantra #2. There's no way I can be prepared for every little thing. Or even most things.

One really great thing did happen this past week. I started a "swimming class" at the gym in the building where my school is. I hadn't done it until now because I thought they were just learn to swim classes, but with the help of my Korean partner teacher, I signed up for the expert level class for the month of July, and it is fantastic! It's just like swim practice back home. It's a great workout, the people are nice (even though they barely speak English) and I think it's totally what I need.

So, for now, I'm just going to try and focus on that and the things I have planned that are coming up. Next weekend, my friend is coming to visit from Seoul. It's ridiculous how excited I get about having someone around to hang out with me on the weekend. Having stuff to do keeps my mind from going all nutzoid. Like last weekend, I went to Seoul to meet up with another friend and register for our overseas ballots at the US Embassy. I didn't go all crazy weird that weekend. Anyway, and then Vietnam, etc., etc. Hopefully, going to Vietnam will refresh me and restore my faith in why I'm here. Because, if I'm being honest, most days, my desire for this to be over and to go home outweighs my passion for being here. However, the travel/sightseeing days usually make up for that. I'm going to stop now. I'm rambling.

the cruel joke

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know if I'm trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be.

Before anybody gets their panties in a wad, I am not leaving Korea. Well, before the end of February, when my contract is up.

I just feel like I've tried so hard to put myself out there and make friends and do things and NONE of it is working out. There must be something wrong with me. And it's like, the more I fail at it, the more negative and disenchanted I become, and the worse I am around new people. It's like, I read this article one time about how not to act in a job interview, and one of the people said that they had been on so many bad interviews that they realized how negative they had begun to sound in the interviews. Like after trying for so long and not getting hired, they couldn't hide that negativity from the interviewers anymore. The more times they failed, the less they believed getting a job was possible. That's how I feel. Like damaged goods in the friendship world.

I feel like I have never in my life had this much trouble making friends. Sure, there've been times when I've been lonelier or more isolated than others, more as a result of circumstances than anything else, but I always found people, someone, in the end. Of course, I realize this is not the end, as I am just one third finished with my time in Korea, but the worse this gets, the more I see Korea, as it pertains to my life, as a cruel joke.

A cruel joke, yes. The first time I was in Korea, I hated my job and dreaded going to work everyday. Mind you, I had never really worked full time before, but my co-workers from that time will tell you I had good reason to hate that job. However, during that time, I also had friends. Friends I didn't have to work very hard to make. I did work with most of the them, so the friendships just kind of fell into place, but still. It was more or less effortless. Now, I feel like I didn't appreciate that enough.

This time around, I actually like my job. Not enough to want to stay beyond this year, but I have no problems with it, I generally get along with my co-workers, and I actually, to my surprise, enjoy my time with the kids. I never have to take work home, and I feel very little work-related stress. Not a bad gig.

The joke is that I can't have it both ways. I know the obvious response here; of course you can't have it both ways, Sarah, you're expecting too much. You can't have everything. But the thing is that I feel like I see so many people who come to Korea, and they just magically have a decent job and these great, lasting friendships and Korea is just this magical time for them. (Yes, I realize I just said magical twice in the same sentence). Why can't I have that????? I thought coming here I would finally feel like I was around people like me. Like I would fit in. And I've never felt so out of place.

I know everyone has "what I am doing here?" moments. And really, keeping my eye on the prize helps me to not go insane. 1.) Save money, and 2.) prove to myself I can last a whole year. Oh, and 3.) Travel Asia a little bit. Maybe that's the difference. I see this experience as more of a personal challenge. I also come into it with baggage. But I still feel stupid. I mean, since I left Korea last time, I kind of romanticized it in my head like this great, adventurous life I had given up. Now, all I can see is the life at home I gave up. Maybe the real cruel joke is that I haven't been able to appreciate what I have  while I have it. I'm trying not to make that mistake now. It's just hard when I feel like everyone who knows and cares about me is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean.

I don't feel like I'm really asking for a lot here. I just want one or two real friends. That doesn't seem like it should be so hard. And I have really, really been trying. Yesterday, I went to the pool hoping to meet this other American girl who swims there but she wasn't there. And last night, I tried to go bike riding with a bike group, which turned out to be a disaster. I will tell the whole god-awful story of yesterday and how everything I tried to do went horribly wrong later, as I don't have the energy now.

I just felt so confident and so together before I came here, and now, I don't understand why I can't seem to connect.

way to normal (yes, I stole that from a Ben Folds album)

Okay. I know what I said in my last post. I was feeling more and more like myself, settling in, blah, blah, blah.

The truth is that the first couple of months here have been a roller coaster so far. I'm up, I'm down, I don't know which way is up and which is down. I think I've entered the period where things stop being exciting and start sucking until the light at the end of the tunnel comes. What I mean by that is the initial newness is pretty much over, but I'm still finding my place. One day (hopefully sooner rather than later), I will wake up and all of a sudden realize that I got through it and things are so much better. I'll be able to breathe again. It won't be such a chore to get through each day, each week; I'll just be doing it.

I'm sort of done with all the "new person" stuff and now I'm just trying to figure out how to be. Sometimes, all of this is still so surreal. I look around and think, "I'm really here. I can't believe I actually came back." I really can't. It crossed my mind so many times in the past two years, but I can't believe I made it happen. Sometimes, I am genuinely surprised by my own power. All the time, actually. I feel like I'm this ineffectual, misunderstood wallflower so much of the time, but then I go and get shit done. Most things I've ever really, truly wanted I've made happen. They weren't always what I thought I was getting and they weren't always great decisions, but man, I can set stuff in motion. I should figure how to use this to my advantage more.

So anyway, here I am in the suck tunnel. Ennui. I've been feeling really restless, and I'm not too sure what to do about it. Restless and unmotivated at the same time, I guess. See, I've been through this before, so I know how it goes and that really all I can do is wait it out. So I want it to be over but I can't force it. That sounds like an excuse, but I just can't. It's the pure truth. The harder I try to get out of it, the more I seem to get sucked in. So the best thing to do is not worry about it and trust that it will end.

I feel like I'm being really vague. For me, the beginning of anything is always hard. It's like being a freshman in high school and you don't really know who your real friends are yet or where you fit into things, and you're trying so desperately hard to figure it out but really all you can do is wait for it to take care of itself. And then, by the time you're a sophomore, it's old hat and you've found your place, without you really even knowing it was happening.

Yep, high school never ends.

I'm not just talking about making friends; I'm really talking about just day to day existence. Feeling okay. Not being on pins and needles all the time. Not having dreams that you're home and you did it and it's over, only to wake up and realize that oh, yeah, it's only been six weeks. (Although at least now, I'm dreaming that it's like June or something, not next February).

I'm just waiting for normal. It will come. I'll be ready.

Spring: A metaphor for my life right now

Well, look at me updating twice in one week. Today, I went swimming, walked around outside, and now I'm writing. Feeling more and more like myself all the time.

Spring is here! I'm so happy to be able to walk around outside without a jacket (which is funny because when it's this temperature in Texas - high 50s, low 60s - people put their jackets on, not off). Yesterday, some friends and I had a lovely picnic in the park. Gotta get my vitamin D!

Then, I finally saw the Hunger Games. I say finally - the movie only came out in Korea on Thursday. But I absolutely loved it! I'll go as far as to say it was the best film adaptation of a book I've seen in a long time (I'll admit that it had been enough time since I read it that I didn't remember every detail, which is always a good thing at the movies). Sorry, Harry. I still love you too.

One of the things I've learned about myself through being here is that I'm a person it takes a long time to get to know. I've known this before, of course, and it's been confirmed by friends I have now that it took me a couple of years to get to know well. I'm just finding it to be somewhat of a difficulty in my life right now. I'm enjoying all the company I'm keeping, but sometimes in group situations, I see myself as being boring or not having anything to contribute. I get so caught up listening to and observing other people. This probably isn't as bad as I think it is, but I'm just ready for people to really know me. I'm ready to be completely comfortable and not feel like everything I say comes out wrong or that people have the completely wrong idea about who I am. Like, at first I feel like I come off as really serious, and while I definitely have a serious side, that's not really me. This hit me the other day when I was skyping with someone from home and I said something that made them laugh. I thought, why can't I be this person here? I guess all in good time.

The other part of this equation is that I get to know people better one on one. I like hanging out in groups, but I don't tend to participate that much unless I know most of the people in the group pretty well or just feel really comfortable. I'm, again, observing. Sometimes this apparently comes off as me looking bored or pissed off, which I really don't appreciate being told (I mean really, what is the point of that? If I actually were pissed off, why would you want to set me off?).

But I am happy to say that the people I hung out with on Saturday do make me feel really comfortable. I feel like I found the real people here. People who are about the same speed as me, who are smart and have similar senses of humor. People who like to go out and have a good time but are about more than just the bar scene. I only hope I am not making a terrible impression on them. Although Saturday I was also recovering from a crazy Friday night (one of those accidental crazy nights) where I arrived home at 8 a.m. So maybe I should forgive myself for not being Suzy Social. And as always, I am being my own worst critic.

Speaking of Friday night, that night I went out by myself for one of the first times in my life and it totally was fine! I ran into several people I know, hung out with them, met some new people, including a couple who will be working with me in a few weeks, and just basically had an excellent time. Only that excellence should have ended several drinks before it did. Oh, well. I still had fun. No regrets.

I can see real growth in myself in so many ways since being here, particularly when comparing this time to Korea Take One (as I am now referring to it). That's the most important thing. Come on, Spring.

just an update, nothing major

I'm sitting here playing on the internet and listening to somewhat melancholy music. I've always been a fan of depressing music; it makes me happy. Okay, maybe not happy, but I like to sort of lose myself in it. Is there really any better form of expression? Even those of us who are not musically inclined (as my classes full of Korean kids who have heard me sing the cheesy songs in their textbooks can attest to) can be taken to higher level of existence through music. And the depressing stuff brings out the best in the artists.

Anyway. Another good weekend. A weekend filled with food, alcohol and new friends. Walking the streets of Daejeon. Shopping in stores made for tiny Asian women. Meeting people from all kinds of places. Introducing my new British friends to margaritas. Introducing myself to a soju and margarita hangover on Saturday morning. Practicing my new Korean reading skills.

There are some exciting things coming up in the next couple of months. The organization where I take Korean class is hosting a trip to Jeonju, a traditional Korean town, at the end of the month, as well as a hiking/tree planting trip in April. I'm going to sign up for a 10K run in Gyeongju, where the cherry blossoms are supposed to be phenomenal. I also plan on signing up for a DMZ tour, but I may have missed the window for that one. Another one will come along. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to head up to Seoul to see my dear friend Brandy from home. I feel like life here has been extremely busy so far, but I like it. I feel like I'm actually a part of life here rather than watching it from the outside, which I have felt too many times before. Of course I'm still in the adjustment period, but I'm pretty pleased with how everything is going.

There are times when I feel pangs for home, but I know that if I were at home, I would wish I were here. And there are times when I wake up in the morning surprised/scared to be in Korea, but the fear passes relatively quickly and I just go on. I remember what I am proving to myself and how lucky I am to be able to experience all of this.

I wish I had more interesting and intelligent things to say at the moment, but I'm at a loss.

getting my bearings

Just thought I'd write an update for everyone who was worried about me the other day. Things are going MUCH better.

It's been a whirlwind of a few days. It's hard to believe that it's only my third full day here. Friday was a little difficult, mainly because of the jet lag, but other than that, it was good. Matthew, the head English teacher, walked me to the school that morning, and as soon as we walked into the teachers' room and he introduced me to Kelly, the director, she hugged me and I instantly liked her and knew it was all going to be okay. I met the rest of the teachers: Istelle and Tania from South Africa, Daniel from Mississippi, Helen and Pierre from England, and many Korean teachers, all of whom were friendly. It's nice because the foreign and Korean teachers really seem to get along and work well together, which wasn't the case at my old school (although I'm going to try really hard not to compare the two all the time, at least not publicly). My co-teacher's name is Sarah as well, and she was very nice and helpful.

They feed us free lunch at the school, which is really nice, and the building that houses the school also contains our bank, a gym, a swimming pool, a deli, and there are other shops, a fruit stand and some other things on the same corner. The schedule seems good too. The classes are 40 minutes, and we each teach many classes but have several breaks throughout the day. That's really all I know at this point. Tomorrow, I begin teaching and I have to go get my health check to get the process of getting my alien card started. Once I have the card, I can get a bank account and a cell phone.

So anyway, so far, so good at work.

Friday night, Daniel and Helen showed me around the neighborhood a bit: grocery stores, restaurants, etc. We ate kimbap at a place a couple of blocks from the apartment building. $3 for a giant roll of kimbap (sort of like sushi), a bowl of soup and kimchi. I see myself eating there a lot. After that, we had a couple of drinks and played cards, and then Daniel and Helen went out, but the jet lag was beating me by that time so I just went to bed. I'm happy to say that I slept 7 hours straight, a vast improvement from the night before.

Saturday, I woke up, showered, and headed out to the grocery store. I took a little detour on the way to explore the neighborhood a little more. There are coffee shops, bars, restaurants, and few shops. I picked up some essentials at the store and then went home and SCRUBBED this apartment, particularly the kitchen, from top to bottom. The guy who had it before me was pretty nasty (which is funny because I met him Thursday night, and he told me he had cleaned the place for me...right).

So then a little bit later, Helen came upstairs (she lives right below me) and asked if I wanted to join her and some people she knew from a different part of town at the Yuseong foot spa (this is part of the famous hot springs in Daejeon). I said sure, of course, and we headed across town. Taxis are so cheap here. Anyway, the spa was this large rock hot tub type thing where you rinse your feet, get in and sit on the ledge with your feet in the water for as long as you want. And it's free. So I met a few other foreigners. After the spa, we went to eat dak galbi (a sort of spicy chicken stew) and Korean man in the restaurant bought us all Cokes. Korean people are generally very friendly and often fascinated by us waygooks (foreigners).

By this time, my new friends had learned that I have a CostCo card and wanted to accompany me there, where I was headed, to buy sheets. So we got on the subway (my first subway adventure in Daejeon) and made our way there. We weren't exactly sure where it was from the subway stop, so a Korean man led us there, which was really nice of him. I got some desperately needed bedding (last night was MUCH more comfortable), a giant block of cheese and some Hormel ham. Then, since Helen and I were pretty much back in our neighborhood, we headed home.

A little while later, Daniel, Helen, their friend Mark and I went to dinner at an all you can eat Korean barbecue place. So delicious. I had missed it. The boys probably ate an entire pig. I got full after a few rounds.

After dinner, I called it a night. I think I was asleep before 10 p.m., and despite waking up for just a little while around 3 a.m., I was able to go back to sleep and stay asleep until about 8:15. Progress! Today, I plan on walking around a bit more to continue getting my bearings. Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pretty relieved things have gone so well so far.

the jet lag talking

I quite literally wept from the moment my parents left me at security in Dallas until I went to bed in my new apartment in Daejeon.

This was not a continuous cry. It was pretty steady from Dallas to Denver, relapsed between Denver and San Francisco, and I fought it between San Francisco and Seoul because I was sitting between two really nice people - a Korean girl and another American English teacher - and I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel weird.

Once I was safely alone in my apartment, I had another bawl fest. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. One, moving across the world is a stressful experience, no matter how many times you do it. Two, I like to act like I'm Miss Jetsetter, Miss Independent, but I'm really a big Mama's girl. Picturing my parents and the family dog has been enough to set me off again all day. I miss them so much. Three, coming back to Korea is causing a whole lot of mixed emotions associated with my previous experience here to resurface. Do I think I made a mistake by coming back? No. But I am reliving the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, the homesickness that I felt last time, and that ultimately broke me. I am much stronger now, but it's possible that I never really dealt with some of those issues before and physically being here is forcing me to. This is probably good in the long run. Four, I'm freaking exhausted. It's 3 a.m. here (noon in Texas), and I am wide awake. I expected I would wake up about now, but I really only slept from like 11 to 12:45 or something! I know I was/am way more tired than that. I'll probably be a zombie tomorrow, but I just can't sleep right now.

The positives: I'm also remembering all the things I liked about Korea too. It's nice to be somewhere where the people are so friendly and helpful, everything is within walking distance, and you typically have a lot in common with the other foreigners. Also, amid all my anxiety about work and being back in the classroom and everything else, I keep having these bursts where I feel like it's going to be okay. Where I feel confident and open-minded and just...ready for it.

The bottom line is that although this is not a perfect situation (what is?), and I will no doubt curse my decision to be here on occasion, I need to do this to prove to myself that I can. A year is short, but it's also long. And I'm scared, excited, nervous, sad, and happy all at once to be starting on this journey. I look forward to reading this again in 12 months and seeing how I've changed. (In this moment, I also look forward to my parents greeting me at DFW Airport in 12 months. Home sweet home. But that's just the homesickness/culture shock/jet lag talking.)

Take your time, and don't do anything crazy

As my departure date creeps ever closer, I find my mind won't stop whirling.

What if I don't catch the bus (from the airport to my city)? What if one of my flights gets delayed and I miss the next one? There's all these things I'll need/want to take care of when I get there. Groceries, cell phone, gym membership, Korean lessons, metro card, stuff for my apartment. I'll be getting to know my new co-workers, students, class schedule. I'll be remembering how to be a teacher. I'll be remembering what it's like to work full time.

I look toward all of these things with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. Truth be told, underneath all the nervousness and dread of the adjustment period, I am super stoked about my life in Korea. There are so many things I want to do this time, so many ways for me to keep a positive attitude and make the most of this experience. To combat my usual impulsiveness/feeling that everything has to happen RIGHT NOW (is there a word for that?), I have already begun repeating this mantra to myself: "Take your time, and don't do anything crazy." The opposite of this has gotten me into trouble many times, and honestly, there will be plenty of time. I don't get into the April Korean class at the International Community Center? Fine, I'll hold out till July. I don't get my gym membership in the first week? No sweat (pun intended), I can do it when I have a little more time and get my bearings. I don't have all of my vacations booked like all my other friends in Korea? I'm not going anywhere out of the country for a few months at least anyway.

There is a very real homesick hump, and it takes about three months to get over it (although I'm hoping this one will be a little shorter since I do have a leg up on Korea already). Before, I didn't realize this until I was over the hump and I had already made the plans to come home. It will take a little time to get back into the teaching groove, get back into the being a foreigner groove, make friends, feel like I know what I'm doing in day to day life, etc. This will be a bit of a challenge, in which I must remember to take my time and not do anything crazy. No secret tickets back to the states will be booked. I will not choose to Skype with my friends at home over connecting with people in Korea (not saying I won't keep in touch, just that I won't shut myself off from life in Korea), and I will remember that I am lucky to have the freedom to be doing this and that I am not tied down.

The other thoughts that are swirling in my head center around what my post-Korea plans are. I really, strongly, after much thought and consideration of many things, think I want to get my Master's in Library Science. Even after listening to a lot of, "well, that sounds boring," and "why do you want to do that?" (you should know that I've more than once been swayed by other people's opinions), I keep coming back to it, and the fact of the matter is, I don't think it sounds boring. And what's more, and quite a feat for someone as fickle as me, I know why I want to do it. I know several librarians, I've spent a lot of time in libraries (the tutoring center where I worked for 2.5 years was located in a library), and I really think I will make a very good, very happy librarian someday. After I save up enough money to pay for the degree.

So, as I look into all of this, what my options are as far as the different programs out there, I start to stress about it. Like, these details that I wouldn't need to figure out for at least a year, probably farther into the future than that. Housing, assistantships, etc. Now is a good time to take my time and not do anything crazy. A couple of hours ago I was all ready to apply for an online program, thinking I could save money by doing it WHILE in Korea. Um, get real, Sarah. You are not going to have any time for GRAD school while you are working your ass off in Korea. That is a TERRIBLE idea. But really, I am obsessing over these details because I am in the waiting stage now, where it's too early to pack, so there's nothing for me to physically DO to get ready for Korea, I'm not there yet so I can't take care of any of the stuff I mentioned earlier, yet I know that two weeks from right now I will be there. Obsessing over stuff that's not going to happen for at least a year takes my mind off what's happening very, very soon. And makes me feel sort of productive, like I'm taking control of my destiny or something. Haha. All I'm actually doing is making my shoulders feel tense.

But all anxious feelings and avoidance mechanisms aside, I am glad that this time around, I am leaving at a good place physically, emotionally and mentally. I know I will be tested, but to compare it to last time, I was a mess. I went to Korea thinking I would fix myself there, that everything would be ok in a new environment, but your problems follow you all over the world. In fact, they are magnified in foreign countries. So, this time, I leave with a 1,000% more sense of who I am and what I can accomplish. And that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does, because they have their journeys, and this is mine.

Remembering me: An account of my trip to NYC

I feel I've had something of an awakening the past few days, when I was in New York City. Or maybe a re-awakening is a more accurate description.

It was my first time in NYC, of course, (a place I have always wanted to go), but I have been to other big, densely populated cities before. Paris, Boston, Prague, Seoul, Beijing. I hadn't been to one in a little over 2 years, though, so it was kind of like over time, I had forgotten what they were like and how to function in one. I am a very independent person, and I don't have any problem exploring by myself, taking (and figuring out) public transportation by myself, eating by myself, etc. Even so, I have been living in Texas (rural Texas at that, save for a few months in Houston and San Antonio, which is still a completely different urban experience because everybody drives) for a couple of years and only left it to go to Georgia for a weekend since I came back from Korea in January 2010. So, I was a little nervous about wandering around NYC by myself. Of course, I only had to do that for about a day and half -- the other times, my dear friend Jacob was my tour guide.

At first, I was a little freaked out and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, like all these New Yorkers were so much worldlier than me, and I was this country bumpkin who couldn't keep up with the fast pace of the city. I'm happy to say that it didn't take long to recall my street smarts. This was the first part of my re-awakening. Remembering what it was like to be in that environment. Remembering how to function in an unfamiliar setting. Remembering how to get my bearings and survive and figure out how to get where I needed to go and do what I needed to do. I think it was a good warm-up for Korea, since I am about to switch back into travel mode/survival mode/adaptation mode. I guess I had put all of those skills out of my head since being back in the states because I didn't need them (or think I needed them) and it hurt too much to think about myself in that life, where I felt like I had failed. I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to return to it, that I would be stuck in Texas, as kind of an oddball, forever. Which leads me to....

....Part 2 of the awakening. This part deals more with plans for after Korea, which are all very tentative right now, as they should be, because I know that Korea Round 2 will change me. However, whatever I choose to do specifically at that time will involve moving to a new place in the U.S. I have wanted that deeply for so long, and I've never quite gotten there. I've never let myself do it -- out of fear, out of not having the means, or, well, mainly it's the fear. And lack of trusting myself not to fuck it up and end up broke at my parents' house 6 months later. But going to New York reminded me how much I really want to try a different area of the states. I love Texas, as my home state, as a place I can always come back to, as a place of my roots, but I don't think I belong here as a permanent fixture. Maybe it will be New York, maybe it will be Boston, maybe it will even be the west coast, but when I come back from Korea this time, I will have the means and the courage to try a new area. And hopefully, by that time, I'll have a little more career direction.

All I can say is, despite the hardships, which I have let break me in the past, when I am in a place that is urban and diverse, I feel more like myself than in any other setting. I had forgotten that. I won't let that happen again. And now that I know I have the ability to be broken, I can be prepared for that.

In other news, the trip to New York was really fantastic in other ways, too. Doing all of the touristy stuff was really fun. Seeing a Broadway show starring Silas from Weeds (!) was a highlight, as was Central Park, Rockefeller Center, etc. I was definitely a little starstruck. It was a truly phenomenal long weekend. You know how you anticipate something for so long, it can never meet your expectations? Well, this trip completely EXCEEDED my expectations. It was pretty much everything I imagined and more. How often can you say that about anything?