waking up on a lovely Saturday

As I promised myself, I am writing my next entry before Saturday is over. It's barely noon, so I'm kind of proud of myself.

So this morning, Erica and I rode our bikes around her neighborhood. There are some really pretty streets here. Big, beautiful trees and scenery, big, pretty houses. Not monster cookie cutter houses either. Old, unique houses with personality. Those are the best kind. And some cool old buildings and parks and stuff too. There were a lot of other people out riding/walking/jogging too. It was just a nice morning and not too hot yet.

Now, I'm alone in Erica's house for a little while. Erica had to work this afternoon, Marcus went to the golf course, and Erica's dad and brother went to meet up with an uncle or something. I am waiting here for Cristina to come pick me up for the afternoon. We're going to lunch and then to get pedicures. I don't know what we'll do after that, but I do know that later on this afternoon/evening, I need to get ready for my date (yes, you read that right...I, of all people, have a date tonight). I'm pretty excited about it but trying not to put too much pressure on it. I'll just need to decide what to wear (with assistance, of course) and do my hair and makeup. I want to look natural too, though, not too glammed up. I want to look like me, just the best version of myself.

This morning, after our ride, I copied a bunch of music from Erica's computer to mine. I only lost about 200 songs with the whole stolen computer thing (thanks to my ipod!), so I replaced some that I had lost that she had and added some new ones too. Seriously, getting robbed may be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I feel so much more...clear than I had been feeling the past couple of months... or years. But I said that in conjunction with the music thing because now, my music library is better than ever (and if you know me at all, you know that's VERY important to me), and I probably never would have taken the time to sit down and look through Erica's music files if this hadn't happened.

That's just one small example of how my life has improved since the burglary, but in a way, it still sums up the culmination of everything. I'm taking the time and effort to do things that I wasn't before. I appreciate what I have more. I haven't just let myself have such a good time bike riding as I did today and last week in a really long time. Before, it just felt like a chore. But now I'm not letting it stress me out (after all, the whole point of it is to relieve stress, not to create it), and I'm just enjoying it. The same goes for cooking, keeping my apartment clean, visiting friends in other cities, using my new awesome macbook, and even watching the few DVDs I've gotten so far to replace the stolen ones. I guess I just feel like me again. I think I had lost that for awhile. And at my job too, I'm starting to give 100% again (well, most of the time). I guess sometimes, you just need a swift kick in the ass.

I'm not saying my life is just perfect now. I don't want to make anyone, including me, vomit, and besides, that isn't true. I still have a lot of stuff I'm working through/on, and I'm sure I always will. The point is that I'm letting myself be happy. I commented on a friend's blog one day last week (who is also in the process of rediscovering herself) that I had thought for the past couple of years that I just felt like I was sleepwalking, and I was waiting for something to come along and wake me up--I guess something that I thought would be worth waking up for. I went halfway around the world and didn't allow myself to wake up. What I told her was that I'm realizing more and more that I have to make myself wake up no matter where I am or what I'm doing or I'm just going to miss everything and never have any kind of experiences at all. I wish I could've seen that before, but I guess all of those experiences--the good ones too--and regrets finally led me to this point.

I'm awake now.

if not now, when?

Ok, so I realize that it's technically Saturday already because it's after midnight. But since I haven't gone to bed yet, and I haven't blogged yet today, I'm still counting it as Friday. So, I just have to blog again on real Saturday (as in sometime between the time I wake up tomorrow and then go to sleep again tomorrow night...meaning Saturday), and I'll be right on schedule. I'm going to try not to let this happen again though, unless I don't have internet access for some reason (like I'm out of town and can't get wireless or whatever), and then I'll just have to blog in a pages document and copy and paste it here later.

Anyway, so first of all, I don't get what's up with people deleting friends on facebook. I get it if you were dumb enough to accept a friend request from someone you didn't know and you're thinking that in hindsight, that was really stupid. And I get it if you need to cut yourself off from an ex. I've done that one before. But don't delete me just because we were friends in high school but I haven't seen you in the past 7 years. If we were friends then, just because we're not part of each other's daily lives now doesn't mean that we can't still be friendly and can't remember the good times. To me, deleting someone like that is kind of like saying, "you were never important to me." Or like saying, I never want to talk to you again. Excuse me, but if I randomly saw you on the street somewhere, I would still want to have a conversation with you just to catch up. If I didn't, I wouldn't have accepted your friend request or sent you one in the first place. That's all I have to say about that.

Next. I get insanely jealous when people start talking about making plans to take overseas trips (this literally just happened about half an hour ago, and I didn't enjoy it). I know it's stupid, and I know I've spent more time overseas than most people will in their entire lives, but I do. Maybe it's the whole travel bug thing and how it's just something that you can never get over if you have it. And that I still want to see and experience so many more places. But it's also that I still haven't totally forgiven myself for not trying harder to make it work in Prague (of course, hindsight's 20/2o...I couldn't really see or understand those mistakes till months after I had made them...and of course I learned from them, but I can't help feeling like I paid a terrible price) and, of course, leaving Korea early, though I couldn't see the ramifications of that decision at the time either. Maybe some of that comes with age. I just couldn't see past how I felt in the moment, but I feel like I am learning how to do that now. I'm not crazy about having to live in Beeville away from my friends and family. But I know that if I stick with my journalism career (which I really, honestly do love), it will pay off. I've already learned so much. If I stick it out for awhile, I can learn more and get so much better at what I'm doing. Then, I can move on, probably go pretty much wherever I want next, maybe even go to journalism or publishing grad school (after I make more headway on my current loans, of course), and travel again someday, maybe even as part of my journalism career. That would be fucking awesome (really no other way to say that). Kind of a dream I've always had but never dared to admit to myself until now.

But despite all of that and how amazing it could be one day (even if I just move back to the DFW area, which right now, is something that I'm seriously considering for my future), it's not what matters now. What really matters is that I be content and appreciate where I am. I need to be happy now. If I don't let myself do that, I'll just always be chasing something and never letting myself just live in the moment and enjoy the good things I have. Right now, I live 60 miles from the coast, 80 miles from San Antonio, 3 hours away from a good portion of my family, and most of my friends live reasonably close to me. Plus, I really couldn't ask for a better newspaper to start out at. Yes, I'm in Beeville, yes, it sucks to be in South Texas sometimes (a lot), but I can't focus on that part of it.

Anyway, I'm starting to gross myself out because I'm sounding like one of those cheesy motivational posters. And I promised myself that I would stop writing blogs like this because they just end up being the same all the time (all though in some ways, they're good because I need to work this stuff out, and I'm still in that process). Next time (tomorrow), I WILL write one telling a story about something that happened recently. I WILL. So, for now, good night.

Actually, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite Jimmy Eat World quotes:

If I don't let myself be happy now, then when? If not now, when?

there is light at the end of the quarter life crisis tunnel...i think

So here goes Project 365 Day Two. I wonder how long it will take before I stop beginning my entries with whatever day I'm on.

So I'm happy in my job. For the most part. And I know there are no perfect jobs, and it's easier to think that the grass is always greener. I feel like I'm good at my job now, at least most parts of it. I'm a very, very weak photographer. Like I totally screwed something up this morning (although I think I may be having camera issues). And I know I can't expect to be perfect at everything, especially when I haven't even been working here (or anywhere like this) for 6 months. I guess I really am a perfectionist, even though sometimes I can be lazy and/or careless. I'm trying really hard to just do my best at whatever I'm doing and not to halfass anymore. I've gotten reeeally in the habit of halfassing over the years.

Anyway, so the issue is this: I like my job. I really do. But I miss kids. (NOT toddlers, just kids). I miss teaching. I miss traveling. Every time I see a friend's status about Korea or Prague or anything like that, I feel serious pangs. And I know I'm paying my dues, if I really want to be a journalist. I know I won't be here forever. I know I can still travel, eventually (if I ever get any vacation/make any more money). But I still feel like I never completely fulfilled my dream of living overseas because I came home early both times. And I know that I made it further than a lot of people who are interested in that kind of thing, but that doesn't really make it easier now.
In some ways, it probably makes it harder because if I had never gone, sure I might still want to do something like that, but it wouldn't feel like I failed at something that should've been(and was, if I could've just woken up and realized it) really awesome. Maybe I'd be content to just be living in Texas, working at a newspaper, leading my little life. Of course, who knows. Maybe not.

Not that it matters now anyway. I am where I am, and I'm damn lucky to be here. And when I think about where I was and how I felt a year ago, jobless and living at home, I feel even luckier.

And, the other thing that eats at me from time to time is that I am actually, for all my travel bug issues, really homesick for North Texas. Not Granbury specifically, but I would really like to go back to the DFW area. Fort Worth, if possible. If I don't end up going back to Korea next year, I will probably just stay here at this job for another year or two, racking up that experience so that next year or the year after, I can hopefully find a job back in civilization (civilization to me means Dallas, Fort Worth, Austin, or Houston). Maybe I will even go to grad school for journalism someday, after I pay off more of my existing loans. Maybe I will go for one of those jobs in D.C. you have to have 3 to 5 years of experience for (once I get that much experience, of course). Maybe I'll do an Americorps gig for a year either before or after J school to help pay for it. Who knows? Just because I have a career now doesn't mean I have to stop having dreams or goals. Maybe now I can actually reach the goals I set. And it doesn't mean I can't do new and exciting things. I need to remember that.

P.S. I want to write more blogs that actually tell stories about things that happen to me in my day to day life. I need to remember that too and stop going on and on about this same bullshit.

Project 365 and making up the truth

I've been thinking about doing a blog project-type thing for some time now. It would be just for me, a journal more than anything else, and it might even be pretty boring to anyone who reads it but me. But as I've said before, the mere possibility that someone might be reading this motivates me to write it more than if I knew without a doubt that no one would see it. That might be narcissistic or self-indulgent, but it's true. But who knows, I might get some stories worth keeping out of this project.

The project is "Project 365," a title stolen from my friend Alison, whom I met in Korea. Her Project 365 was a photo thing. She had to take at least one picture everyday for a year (the year she was abroad, obviously), and if she took more than one on a particular day, she would choose her favorite to be included in the Project 365 album. Well, I'm going to apply this concept to blogging. It's sort of similar to the Julie & Julia idea, but without a specific focus or theme (I was going to try this in Korea, but we see how well that worked out). I've written a few things in the past couple of years (a couple of stories and poems, but mostly blogs), but I feel like I need something to really get my writing going again. When I was in the middle of all my creative writing classes, I would just sit down at the computer and crank out stories or poems (they would need revision, of course, but I could get the basics down easily). Now, when I try start writing something new, I feel like I have absolutely nothing to say (even if I feel like I started out with a good idea, I can't get going). Which is ironic because when I was doing all that creative writing in college, I felt like I didn't have enough life experience to write really good stuff. Now, I have probably at least twice the life experience I did then, and I can't get the words out. So maybe if I write about my life as it happens each day, it won't feel like such a big task. I guess the bottom line is at least I'll be writing. And today, this entry, is the first. I will do this everyday until July 28, 2011, and just see where it takes me. (That's another thing I need to work on... waiting to be taken places and not forcing it... from my experience as a reporter and learning about other people's lives, the people with the most interesting ones just kind of went with the flow).

I write at my job, but it's not quite the same. It's fun to write newspaper articles, especially features, but it's different when the content isn't coming solely out of your own head. It's not as much of a challenge when you don't have all the info in front of you, and stuff is either true or it isn't. I guess the real challenge is making up the truth however you want it to be for that piece. But on that note, don't we, at least on some level, make up our own truth all the time? Things are only as we perceive them....

not the destination

Starting Over....Yet Again

Today I finally understood what people mean
when they say it’s not about the destination.
It’s the journey that really matters.
all this time,
no matter where I’ve been,
-and I’ve been a lot of places-
I’ve been so worried
about where I’m going
next, what I’m going to do.
And
while it’s nice
to have goals in mind, I really need to enjoy
where I am and
what I’m doing
NOW
because you know what’s waiting for me when I get to that destination?
Another journey.

No one is allowed to judge that poem/paragraph. I'm not pretending it's good. It just describes where I am in my life right now.


This whole experience (the robbery and aftermath) has been very cleansing for me. It was like a rupture in time. Like I was hurtling down this self-destructive path and it took somebody else, people I didn’t even know, to take MY things away from me (rather than me cheating myself out of what should be mine) for me to get my ass in gear. And while it’s always true that moving gives you a chance to kind of start with a clean slate, this is an even bigger new starting point for me. I have some new stuff, including this computer, I’m minus some old stuff (which I’ve realized was mostly just weighing me down, mentally, emotionally, and physically). I replaced what was really important to me, and I’m not worrying about the rest of it. I’m not saying it didn’t suck to lose some of that stuff, but honestly, it’s just stuff.

And I’m more sure than ever now of what I want my next destination to be. However, I am de-freaking-termined to enjoy this time, being within reasonable driving distance of most of my friends and family, having a big-girl job, being a journalist. The distance I’ve had from my old life these past 6 months or so has made me realize what, of all my endeavors, is what I really want to do, long-term. And also that while we all have talents, you can’t expect to be perfect at something right away. Everything takes learning and practice. And a whole hell of a lot of self confidence. And perseverance. Trying your best and giving yourself a break is all you can ask of yourself as long as you know you’re giving what you can.

I know where my heart is: in writing AND in teaching. In a way, that surprises me, but in another way, I think I’ve always known it. I want to write more than I have been. I have all of those great ideas for stuff to write, but I never actually write what I think of. I want that to change. And I want to write what I want and be able to put myself into it, rather than the unbiased news. Audrey was right; reporting and writing are different. And while I’m not doing my usual and coming up with all the reasons why I hate what I’m doing (and I don’t hate it, not at all), I have realized what I want. I want to write, and maybe even try to get published, on the side of my teaching career. I want to go overseas, finish what I started, see A LOT more of the world, save up some money, pay off my loans, come back to the U.S., and become an ESL teacher at home. That was when I felt the most useful and had the biggest connection with my students--when I subbed in ESL classes in Granbury. And also with some of my classes in Korea....

I think I’m done for now. And I think we all know I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.