not the destination

Starting Over....Yet Again

Today I finally understood what people mean
when they say it’s not about the destination.
It’s the journey that really matters.
all this time,
no matter where I’ve been,
-and I’ve been a lot of places-
I’ve been so worried
about where I’m going
next, what I’m going to do.
And
while it’s nice
to have goals in mind, I really need to enjoy
where I am and
what I’m doing
NOW
because you know what’s waiting for me when I get to that destination?
Another journey.

No one is allowed to judge that poem/paragraph. I'm not pretending it's good. It just describes where I am in my life right now.


This whole experience (the robbery and aftermath) has been very cleansing for me. It was like a rupture in time. Like I was hurtling down this self-destructive path and it took somebody else, people I didn’t even know, to take MY things away from me (rather than me cheating myself out of what should be mine) for me to get my ass in gear. And while it’s always true that moving gives you a chance to kind of start with a clean slate, this is an even bigger new starting point for me. I have some new stuff, including this computer, I’m minus some old stuff (which I’ve realized was mostly just weighing me down, mentally, emotionally, and physically). I replaced what was really important to me, and I’m not worrying about the rest of it. I’m not saying it didn’t suck to lose some of that stuff, but honestly, it’s just stuff.

And I’m more sure than ever now of what I want my next destination to be. However, I am de-freaking-termined to enjoy this time, being within reasonable driving distance of most of my friends and family, having a big-girl job, being a journalist. The distance I’ve had from my old life these past 6 months or so has made me realize what, of all my endeavors, is what I really want to do, long-term. And also that while we all have talents, you can’t expect to be perfect at something right away. Everything takes learning and practice. And a whole hell of a lot of self confidence. And perseverance. Trying your best and giving yourself a break is all you can ask of yourself as long as you know you’re giving what you can.

I know where my heart is: in writing AND in teaching. In a way, that surprises me, but in another way, I think I’ve always known it. I want to write more than I have been. I have all of those great ideas for stuff to write, but I never actually write what I think of. I want that to change. And I want to write what I want and be able to put myself into it, rather than the unbiased news. Audrey was right; reporting and writing are different. And while I’m not doing my usual and coming up with all the reasons why I hate what I’m doing (and I don’t hate it, not at all), I have realized what I want. I want to write, and maybe even try to get published, on the side of my teaching career. I want to go overseas, finish what I started, see A LOT more of the world, save up some money, pay off my loans, come back to the U.S., and become an ESL teacher at home. That was when I felt the most useful and had the biggest connection with my students--when I subbed in ESL classes in Granbury. And also with some of my classes in Korea....

I think I’m done for now. And I think we all know I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.