mistakes...and inner calm

I'm still struggling through, but it's getting better. This week, I've had a new attitude. I've decided to just enjoy it and not sweat the small stuff. There's no reason for me to get all worked up about every little thing that doesn't go smoothly. It just makes me angry/stressed out/miserable anyway, so there's no place for that. I'm learning to center myself in a chaotic world.

I think I'm getting along better with my coworkers too. I'm starting to feel like less of an outsider. I'm going to compare this experience so far to freshman year of college. At first, everything is new and exciting, and you're having a blast. Then, reality, day to day life, sets in. Things get really hard. You think that you hate college, you hate the place you chose to go to, you don't know who you are anymore. But then, you keep going, just going through the motions to get by, and then you come to peace with it and maybe even like it. It's kind of like fake it till you make it, which is something I say to myself a lot.

All of this doesn't mean everything I said in my previous post isn't true, especially the stuff about learning that I do belong and want to be at home and that I'm finally figuring out what I want to do. But what I am also learning/discovering now is how to have inner calm and happiness wherever I am and whatever the circumstances, even if they're not what I really want or expected.

I have made some pretty huge mistakes in my life. None of them really turned out to be mistakes, and that isn't because I learned from them. They weren't mistakes because they all led me to different things that I would've never done without them. People I never would've met and now can't imagine not knowing. That's not the same thing as learning from your mistakes, although I like to think I've done a little of that too. Even if I do revert back to self-destructive patterns sometimes.

I'm just trying to find my way, and I've learned (besides the importance of calming down) that I don't like to leave stones unturned. I don't like unanswered questions. I hate the what ifs. And I don't regret not having many of those. Even if there are some sucky periods in between my endeavors. This is just one of the many things I've learned about myself, and I'm still peeling the onion (wow, I'm full of cliches right now!).

That said, I do think I need to bring out some of myself that's been a little dormant for the past few weeks. I don't need to let a job or anything else beat/wear me down. I need to regain my sense of adventure. And I need to stop being such a hermit (while still watching my budget!).

I'm taking steps. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.