I wish I could take all the people I love with me wherever I go.
I'm getting really sad about leaving Korea, which I didn't think I would. If I had pulled a midnight run in October which I wanted to do but couldn't afford, I'm not sure I would feel this way. Of course, I'm glad I didn't do that, but it's funny what a difference 3 months can make. Let me clarify: I am NOT sad about leaving my job. A little sad that I'm never going to see some of my kids again, but that's not enough to make me want to stay. No, I'm sad that I won't be living abroad anymore (although I know I'm ready to live in the U.S. again), and I'm sad about leaving all of my friends here.
If I could, I would keep all my people from Korea, Prague, Corpus Christi, and Granbury with me all the time. I would take them with me every time I moved to a new place. And I would take my family too. I know the world doesn't work that way, and we're just passing each other on our own individual journeys, and sometimes we happen to stay in the same place for awhile. I know leaving doesn't mean we won't be friends anymore, but it won't be the same. I've made too many important decisions in my life based on where my friends were going to be and what they were doing. I know that I'll make new friends and I won't forget the old ones, but big changes are scary. I'm trying, though. I'm trying to do what's right for me, even though it's hard.
It's totally weird and sad (even though Korea isn't one of my favorite places in the world...not that I don't like it) that every time I've been somewhere in the past few days, and in the next week before I leave, it's the last time I will probably ever be in that place. It's gone from, for example, I could go to Nampodong this weekend for something to do, to this is the last time I will ever see Nampodong, so I better take it all in.
I firmly believe that you have to mourn your losses, whatever those losses may be. Sometimes it's the break up, or the end of a friendship. Sometimes, it's more final, like the death of a loved one (and I was reminded this week of how real that is). And sometimes, it's the loss of a dream, a lifestyle, or moving away from a place that was home to you for awhile. When I moved from Corpus back to Granbury a year and a half ago, I really missed Corpus for awhile. I had to mourn the loss of Corpus as my home. When I left Prague, I went through a similar process. When I leave here, I expect I'll feel the same way for a little while. It's the end of my dream to live overseas, the end of my teaching career, the end of me doing any serious traveling for awhile (until I have some money saved up, and who knows how long that will take), and of course, the end of me living day to day life with the fifteen or so people that I've shared the last 4 months of my life with. That may not seem like a long time, but when you're out of the country and living in this situation, you form a deeper bond with people.
I'm not saying this is the end of me having dreams. Now, I have new dreams, and in a way, I'm pursuing dreams that I've always had but never had the confidence to go after (my writing career and really establishing myself in a place to stay for awhile and have a real life). And I know I will go back overseas someday to at least do some serious traveling. And I have had some major self revelations while I've been here, which are priceless to me. I'm okay with being a permanent resident of Texas, and I welcome the opportunity to embrace my home and just be there. I haven't had the chance to just be for awhile, and I'm looking forward to that.
I don't know where my life will take me, and it might take me to another new place, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy the ride and being at home. Even though I know my home is really wherever I am and where I allow myself to be happy. That's all I want. Home is where I have people to support me, and if I've learned anything through the past two years, it's that I have that all over the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment