I didn't think that upon beginning my job search, I would feel this conflicted. Not that it matters much anyway; it's not like I have any choices until I get offered a position somewhere, but I thought the looking/applying process would be more straightforward.
I thought that I would zero in on jobs at magazines, daily newspapers, and corporation communications/PR divisions. Those would be the only jobs I would consider, and the corporation ones would be only if I supported what the corporation did so that I wouldn't be selling out by taking any of these jobs.
The problem is, selling out becomes a lot more attractive after you've been in the real world for awhile.
Ultimately, what I want to do is to write in some capacity. However, other factors are coming into consideration now (as opposed to a year ago) as I've realized that work isn't everything to me. It's a big thing, don't get me wrong, and I would like to keep caring about what I do, but it's not everything.
For instance, now, I have a job that I like, that's fulfilling (most of the time) and that almost pays the bills (I'll get to that in a minute). I have a great family; they're just far away. I have friends, but they're far away too. I know things could be so much worse. But I also know that I have no future here. If I wanted to continue to be a single loner who dreams up ways to occupy her free time with nothing going on other than work, I could stay.
But if I EVER want to have a family (never mind how many light years away from that I am right now), be involved in things outside of work, meet new people, or spend any time with my existing family and friends, I've gotta get out of here. I don't know if I'm just getting antsy or what, but I feel like all year I didn't let it hit me how much being isolated and cut off from civilization was affecting me, and now that I've begun opening myself up to new possibilities, it's just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Piece #1 of the great puzzle of what I want out of my life was getting a start at a writing career. I don't regret coming here to do that. God only knows where I would be now if I hadn't. But I'm realizing more than I ever did before that there are more pieces to that puzzle. If you're lucky enough to do something you love/believe in and get paid for it, that's great, but at the end of the day, a job really is just a job. Something we all have to do to support ourselves.
Now to the money part of it. I always, always said that as long as I made enough money to live on, I didn't care about it. What did I know? I don't think I'm being greedy. Right now, I make just under what I would need to really survive on my own. My parents pay for my car insurance and cell phone. I pay for everything else. But I literally can't afford to pay for my car insurance and cell phone. The sad truth is, even with a year of experience under my belt in the journalism world, even at a bigger paper or whatever, I can't expect to make much, if any, more than I make now. I'm learning this as I continue my search. One of the first jobs I applied for (this time) was at a daily paper in North Texas. I found out they pay $10,000 less a year than I make now. It made no sense to me, but that's the way it is (I won't be taking that job). I don't know how anybody stays in this field for a long period of time. I don't know I can realistically afford to stay. I don't need to get rich but I do need to pay my bills. I dream about what it would be like to not live paycheck to paycheck. And going back to the family thing, even if I were in a more desirable area, if I want to have a family, I can't be available to a newspaper all the time to go cover meetings after hours and elections long into the night. Again, not to borrow trouble (since that family is really only a figment of my imagination at this time)...
But this leads me to... if I left journalism, where would I go? I've applied for some more PR type jobs, some proofreading jobs, etc., but what else am I really trained for? I have a friend who left journalism a couple of years ago after working at small town papers to go to law school. I've flirted with that idea, but if I'm being honest, the last thing I want to do is go back to school. For a lot of reasons, money included.
All I really want to do is write. And have a life outside of my job. Is that really so much to ask for? Sadly, writers are not valued financially in our society...
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