believing things will work out

Taking a break from the stories of school to try to straighten myself out.

Right now, I want to run away. I want to get in my car and drive. I want to buy a plane ticket and go... somewhere. This is not rational.

A week from now, I will be back at work. I am excited about the new school year, about regaining a sense of purpose, a routine, having somewhere to go and something to do every day. However, right now, this is clouded by my terror of the coming year.

Last year, I was nervous, sure, as a first year teacher. But I didn't really know what to be scared of. This year, I know. All of those experiences and all of the exhaustion and effort that went into last year create a fear in me that I can't do it all again. I got through the year, and I survived, but do I have another one in me? I can't fall back on being an unknowing first year teacher anymore. I'm supposed to know what I'm doing at this point.

I'm working hard on not letting this weight that I feel about going back to school color all other areas of my life. I've been thinking a lot about self-sabotage lately, and I've come to a place where I realize I'm doing that, but how do I get myself to stop? I read something earlier today that if you believe a relationship (or anything, really) will fail, it will, because you will find ways to prove to yourself that you were right. I've caught myself doing this; thinking how bad is this going to hurt, how am I going to pick up the pieces, I don't want to go through the heartbreak. I didn't realize that I was so walled in until 1.) the cracks in my armor were exposed at work (you can't help it as a teacher); and 2.) I started getting close to someone.

The article suggested believing the opposite - that it will succeed, because that is just as possible. I'm trying to convince myself of that, both in work and in my personal life. I want to believe it so badly, I want to get out of this cycle of protecting myself so hard that I doom things in the beginning because I'm afraid. It doesn't get me anywhere; I just end up miserable.

I've tried to communicate this, but I'm so bad at expressing myself not on paper that it just made me sound crazy and dramatic, which I HATE. So I'm letting it out here, and from now on going to operate on the belief that I will be successful and it will work out, both at work and personally. I am capable of this. And it will be worth it.