no cliffhangers, please

I've decided I have this incessant need to always know what happens.

It's like my life is a story, a book that I'm reading, and there's always more chapters. I can't leave cliffhangers in my own life. I can't have unanswered questions and undeveloped plot lines. Well, at least not that are in my control...anything unanswered in my life has not been of my choosing.

What I mean is that I always have to find out "what if." What if I go to college with my high school boyfriend? What if I quit grad school so I don't get pigeon-holed into a particular life? What if I save up for 6 months so I can go to Europe and try living abroad? What if I pick up and go to Korea? What if I quit a job that I hate and go try something else? What if I let my guard down and tell someone how I feel about them? I've decided that I've always (pretty much) done what I want when I wanted to, when I wanted to do it, even if it was impractical or unconventional. And when I haven't, it never leads to good things. And this has cost me a lot.

It's worth it. I have no regrets. I also have very little money, a very easily triggered fight-or-flight response, and few tangible marketable skills. But I have lived, as corny as that sounds. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences that I would never have had on a "normal" life path. I just can't stand the unanswered questions, as much pain as they lead me to sometimes.

I've always gone after what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted at the time. Until recently, that had included everything but my love life. Not anymore. And also, I had kind of lost that about myself for awhile until very recently. That's one of the main things that makes me me. I don't accept answers I don't want. If I want something to happen, or if I want to do something, I find a way to make it happen. I always have. Believe me, I know life doesn't turn out the way you plan. But I don't plan on decreasing my determination.

The one thing that I have said over and over to myself since I got back to the states is that I'm tired of just existing. I'm sick of just turning myself off and going through the motions until I can get out of wherever I am. So, for whatever it's worth, I am living now. I'm not leaving stones unturned when I want to see what's underneath. I'm not hiding in my room just because I feel like disappearing...hell, I don't want to disappear.

I think before, my underlying feeling was that I just wanted to be free. When I left Grad School Round #1, I felt like my chains had been cut. And I liked grad school, at least at first. Going overseas, both times, was an attempt at freedom. And then coming home, particularly from Korea, was the same thing. I guess what I've learned about that is that there are always going to be entities making demands on me, and I just have to find my own inner freedom. Unless I want to join the homeless people under the 281 freeway.

It's also easier in a way to be the one always leaving, not the one staying. I've been so scared to be the one staying. I'll be honest; it still terrifies me. But I have to face it, or I will never be happy and I'll never let myself have a home. And it sure is hard to keep setting up a life in new places. I don't want to tear this one down.

Am I done following through on my "what-ifs"? Maybe in the sense that I'm jumping on a transoceanic flight anytime soon, but probably not totally. And I'm okay with that. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me. But today, I'm happy, I'm at home, and I think I'll stick around for awhile.

not in control

I really like San Antonio. Have you ever felt like you're not in control of what's happening, like this path is just being laid out before you and you're just following it? That's how I feel right now. Things continue to fall into place. Even when they don't seem like they're going to, they turn around and work out. Sometimes it's not the way I had originally envisioned, but they still do.

I know that I'm not always going to be this circumstantially happy. Things are going to get hard again, and it's going to seem like nothing is going right. The difference (I hope!) will be that I have found internal happiness. And that will keep me from totally falling apart during the dark times.

I truly believe, after having been back in the States for three whole weeks now, that going to Korea was the single most important decision I've ever made. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would, of course, but the confidence and self-awareness I gained were things I desperately needed and I don't know that I would have found that anywhere else.

I think I had more stuff to say, but I have to go now, so I'll finish this later.

the end of a dream, the beginning of happiness

I can't remember a time when so many things were going right for me. I don't want to pinch myself because I'm afraid I'll wake up.

I don't know if this is a product of my newfound confidence and optimism and the fact I spent the past six months (well, year really) clawing my way out of each day, but my new outlook certainly doesn't hurt.

I do miss my little babies and living abroad, but I'm definitely ready for this change and mostly just to be somewhere for awhile. I have absolutely no end point in mind for living in San Antonio. Will I stay here forever? Maybe not, but I can't say right now. I'm just content to be here and working toward something that matters to me.

I'm still a little worried about money, but I have some cushion now to look for a part-time job because I got an assistantship at the writing center that pays really well. And of course my internship is only for one semester and then I'll find something that pays, hopefully full time.

So later today I'm meeting my roommate and seeing my new house for the first time. I think it's weird that I know people all over the world and I happen to be moving to the city where I know the most people (of course I want to meet new people too). It's kind of exciting that it worked out that way. I'm so excited about the future. I haven't been able to say that for a really long time.

The reverse culture shock and the jet lag are beginning to subside. I'm keeping my new perspective, but I'm starting to embrace being home (really home) and the positive things that are happening to me despite the end of one dream.

mourning my losses and embracing new dreams

I wish I could take all the people I love with me wherever I go.

I'm getting really sad about leaving Korea, which I didn't think I would. If I had pulled a midnight run in October which I wanted to do but couldn't afford, I'm not sure I would feel this way. Of course, I'm glad I didn't do that, but it's funny what a difference 3 months can make. Let me clarify: I am NOT sad about leaving my job. A little sad that I'm never going to see some of my kids again, but that's not enough to make me want to stay. No, I'm sad that I won't be living abroad anymore (although I know I'm ready to live in the U.S. again), and I'm sad about leaving all of my friends here.

If I could, I would keep all my people from Korea, Prague, Corpus Christi, and Granbury with me all the time. I would take them with me every time I moved to a new place. And I would take my family too. I know the world doesn't work that way, and we're just passing each other on our own individual journeys, and sometimes we happen to stay in the same place for awhile. I know leaving doesn't mean we won't be friends anymore, but it won't be the same. I've made too many important decisions in my life based on where my friends were going to be and what they were doing. I know that I'll make new friends and I won't forget the old ones, but big changes are scary. I'm trying, though. I'm trying to do what's right for me, even though it's hard.

It's totally weird and sad (even though Korea isn't one of my favorite places in the world...not that I don't like it) that every time I've been somewhere in the past few days, and in the next week before I leave, it's the last time I will probably ever be in that place. It's gone from, for example, I could go to Nampodong this weekend for something to do, to this is the last time I will ever see Nampodong, so I better take it all in.

I firmly believe that you have to mourn your losses, whatever those losses may be. Sometimes it's the break up, or the end of a friendship. Sometimes, it's more final, like the death of a loved one (and I was reminded this week of how real that is). And sometimes, it's the loss of a dream, a lifestyle, or moving away from a place that was home to you for awhile. When I moved from Corpus back to Granbury a year and a half ago, I really missed Corpus for awhile. I had to mourn the loss of Corpus as my home. When I left Prague, I went through a similar process. When I leave here, I expect I'll feel the same way for a little while. It's the end of my dream to live overseas, the end of my teaching career, the end of me doing any serious traveling for awhile (until I have some money saved up, and who knows how long that will take), and of course, the end of me living day to day life with the fifteen or so people that I've shared the last 4 months of my life with. That may not seem like a long time, but when you're out of the country and living in this situation, you form a deeper bond with people.

I'm not saying this is the end of me having dreams. Now, I have new dreams, and in a way, I'm pursuing dreams that I've always had but never had the confidence to go after (my writing career and really establishing myself in a place to stay for awhile and have a real life). And I know I will go back overseas someday to at least do some serious traveling. And I have had some major self revelations while I've been here, which are priceless to me. I'm okay with being a permanent resident of Texas, and I welcome the opportunity to embrace my home and just be there. I haven't had the chance to just be for awhile, and I'm looking forward to that.

I don't know where my life will take me, and it might take me to another new place, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy the ride and being at home. Even though I know my home is really wherever I am and where I allow myself to be happy. That's all I want. Home is where I have people to support me, and if I've learned anything through the past two years, it's that I have that all over the world.

Well, if you don't know already, I have decided to leave Korea.

It was a difficult decision in some ways, but in others, it was easy. It's just time. I know all the arguments against it--it's only a year, it's a once in a lifetime experience, etc., etc. But for me, it's time. And, more importantly, I have spent the past two years (probably longer than that) searching for something. Identity, purpose, a sense of belonging, happiness. I thought my location was the problem. I thought that I wasn't meant to be in Texas or even the U.S. But, as it turns out, everything that I traveled halfway around the world to find was inside me the whole time.

It's not that I haven't enjoyed my travel experiences. I definitely have, and I'm so glad that I did all of this. I met some amazing people, did some things I'll never forget, and even the times that sucked ass and all the work I did to make these experiences possible (namely, saving up for five months so I could go to Prague) were worth it. Those were all great feelings of accomplishment.

I guess, in some ways, home is where the heart is. I'm sad to leave my friends here, and I'm even a little sad to leave the excitement of traveling around a foreign country, but my excitement and optimism about going home and moving to San Antonio far outweigh those feelings. The big thing is my career change. I really, truly hate teaching. I'm now on the path to what I really want to do, and have always wanted to do but never really thought I could, which is writing. I got an internship at San Antonio Magazine where I will be writing about local music and literature, not to mention all the experience I'm going to get just working in that environment.

And, of course, there's grad school. I'm going for two reasons: a personal goal to finish my Master's degree, and to gain more skills to be more competitive in the job market. I'm so excited about both of these new things in my life. I'm a little nervous, to be honest, but it finally feels like things are working in my favor, and I'm really committed to what I'm doing. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I'm not completely where I want to be yet, of course, but at least I have an idea of where I want to be, which is more than I can say for myself even just three months ago. And I have so much more confidence, inner calm, and drive now. I've pulled myself out of the hole.

There are still a few details I need to iron out, like a part time job, a possible graduate assistantship that would really help with my tuition, and personal stuff like gym memberships and a cell phone (trivial, I know, but it's on my mind), but I know it will be fine. I've already found a roommate, and she seems really cool, the price is right, and it's a house, which is really exciting to me since I've only lived in apartments besides my parents' house. So, I'm excited for my last two weeks in Korea which will include my weekend in Seoul with Amanda and my parents' visit, and I'm so ready to go home and to be a Texan for the rest of my life. (But still travel recreationally).

conscious decisions

I've been feeling a little under the weather for the past few days, so I spent the ENTIRE weekend in bed watching old seasons of The Biggest Loser.

I had already decided that I was going to change my life, and I now feel that way more than ever. I know that sounds cheesy, but this is the most inspiring thing to me right now. I guess I've just been grasping, trying find some source of hope, and I found it in a reality show. That's okay, I think.

Anybody who's known me for awhile knows that my weight has been a yo-yo since I was 12 or 13 years old. I love sports, I love to exercise, and I love health and nutrition. The problem is that I don't always practice what I believe in, and that I go in cycles. I will do awesome for awhile, sometimes for a year or two at a time, and then I just let it all go to crap. And when I do that, I do it in a big, big way.

But what I'm realizing by watching this show (and I've heard it said before, of course, but now I actually believe it) is that it's not about the weight. I have a food addiction, but it's not even about the food. It's about WHY I gain the weight, and WHY I eat the food. Every time I go on a downward spiral, it starts because I feel lonely, scared, hopeless, restless, worthless, that I'm in some kind of desperate situation, or a combination of all of those. It's like I know that something's not clicking with me but I don't know how to make it click.

I'm also realizing that the state of my bedroom and my eating/exercise habits are a direct reflection of how I'm feeling inside. I always thought that I was just disorganized. And it's true--I think organization will always be hard for me because it doesn't come naturally. But this goes beyond that. For the past week, I've been sleeping next to a pile of clothes and other miscellaneous items on my bed. It would be pretty easy to just put all of that stuff away, but I haven't done it. My eating and exercise habits are currently just as chaotic as my bedroom, and this is an outward reflection of feeling chaotic inside.

I've said recently, and I still believe it to be true, that I finally feel like I know what path I want to take in life, or at least where I want to go from here. And I do, but I'm still finding it hard to live day to day. Change is really fucking hard. Especially a fundamental change. Every time I've lost the weight in the past I've told myself that my lifestyle doesn't have to change, I can do all the same things and just include intense work outs into my schedule. And that works for awhile, but then I run out of steam and the old habits win.

So, I think the key will be to let myself feel what I'm feeling. If I feel sad or scared and I start eating, I feel numb. But the problem doesn't go away. If I just let myself feel what I'm feeling, I can work through it and then move past it. Also, operating from one conscious decision to another will help. If I take my life from one decision to work out and one decision to eat healthy or go to bed at a reasonable time, a healthy lifestyle isn't so daunting. And of course, since I enjoy exercising and healthy cooking, that part isn't really so hard for me. What's hard is developing the healthy coping skills. Because again, it's not about the food.

Realizing that is, I think, the difference between this time and all the times before. Another huge difference is that I. AM. WORTH. IT. And I believe that now. It's hard, but I'm working on believing it and not accepting being a failure. Because being a failure is another conscious choice. I'm not going to let my life just pass me by and be mediocre. I might have to work at it everyday, and sometimes I might have to pick myself up again. But I'll do it.

Another key is finding a balance. This goes back to making one conscious decision at a time. But sometimes, it's ok to have a glass of wine or a real dessert. It's okay to go out sometimes. It's okay to live your life.

But I'm soooo excited to start training again! Triathlons, I'm coming back! I'm excited to be myself again. The self that I love, and the self I need to remember. I'm going to be myself more than ever now, and I am so thrilled.

confidence, recognition, and family

So today, once I got over the hangover, I started thinking about how lucky I am. I know that sounds like a cliche, but I was talking to Emily on Skype earlier today, and we were talking about how close my mom and I have gotten over the past few years. Emily said that when we were younger (and Emily has known me my whole life), she wouldn't have expected that. So I'm grateful for that. And I was thinking about how all of my family is pretty much healthy and going strong. I forget to appreciate that sometimes. I've been realizing lately how important family is to me. Even a year ago, I probably wouldn't have said that.

I received a HUGE compliment last night which further confirmed what I want/need to be doing with my life. I've really been trying to respect myself more. I mean, it's not that I don't respect myself. I'm not a huge whore or anything. It's more a confidence issue with me, and of course I've known that for awhile, but I feel like I'm making improvements for the first time in a long time. The times when I've felt the most confident were when I finished my first semester of grad school, when I did the triathlon, when I was actively involved with FAST (Fort Worth Area Swim Team), and when I went to Prague all by myself and figured out how to survive. But that was almost 10 months ago now. That's a long time to feel bad about yourself. It's a long time to not really take care of yourself, which is what I meant by not respecting myself. I started to get healthier right before I left for Korea, but then when I got here, everything turned upside down for awhile as it always does when you make a huge life change like that.

So, for awhile, I've felt like I don't recognize myself. There have been times I couldn't even look in the mirror and look myself in the eye. I feel like the person I was a year, two years ago is hiding inside me...that sounds weird. The irony is that I was really lost then too, but in a different way. For example, when I dropped out of grad school, I was terrified and I had no idea where my life was going....like not even a little bit. It was like I was watching it all happen to somebody else. Looking back now, I can't believe how naive I was or the things I used to get so stressed out about. I had no idea. I'm sure in a couple years when I look back on this time, I'll think that I have no idea right now. But there's nothing wrong with that. I think what I'm trying to do now is to put it all together. I want to be the happy, healthy person I was before (although a little wiser), but I want to have direction too. I don't need to have it all figured out, because let's face it, that's impossible, but at least I know what I want.

Ok. Moving on. The other thing I want to discuss is that I think I might be ready to date someone. It's definitely been awhile for me (which really isn't unusual), but I'm really lonely. It would be nice to have someone to do things with, to share my life with, etc. I know I have some stuff I need to work out before I should let anyone else into my world of crazy, but I do feel like I have the confidence now to date successfully (and by that I mean see through the bullshit and the mind games). I'm not really worried about it too much though. It'll happen eventually, and I have plenty of friends to help with the loneliness. They're my number ones anyway.

Also, I feel very lucky to currently live in a place with the beach and the mountains. It's been so beautiful outside lately with all of the fall colors. I'm not used to that, but I like it.