Remembering me: An account of my trip to NYC

I feel I've had something of an awakening the past few days, when I was in New York City. Or maybe a re-awakening is a more accurate description.

It was my first time in NYC, of course, (a place I have always wanted to go), but I have been to other big, densely populated cities before. Paris, Boston, Prague, Seoul, Beijing. I hadn't been to one in a little over 2 years, though, so it was kind of like over time, I had forgotten what they were like and how to function in one. I am a very independent person, and I don't have any problem exploring by myself, taking (and figuring out) public transportation by myself, eating by myself, etc. Even so, I have been living in Texas (rural Texas at that, save for a few months in Houston and San Antonio, which is still a completely different urban experience because everybody drives) for a couple of years and only left it to go to Georgia for a weekend since I came back from Korea in January 2010. So, I was a little nervous about wandering around NYC by myself. Of course, I only had to do that for about a day and half -- the other times, my dear friend Jacob was my tour guide.

At first, I was a little freaked out and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, like all these New Yorkers were so much worldlier than me, and I was this country bumpkin who couldn't keep up with the fast pace of the city. I'm happy to say that it didn't take long to recall my street smarts. This was the first part of my re-awakening. Remembering what it was like to be in that environment. Remembering how to function in an unfamiliar setting. Remembering how to get my bearings and survive and figure out how to get where I needed to go and do what I needed to do. I think it was a good warm-up for Korea, since I am about to switch back into travel mode/survival mode/adaptation mode. I guess I had put all of those skills out of my head since being back in the states because I didn't need them (or think I needed them) and it hurt too much to think about myself in that life, where I felt like I had failed. I just assumed that I wouldn't be able to return to it, that I would be stuck in Texas, as kind of an oddball, forever. Which leads me to....

....Part 2 of the awakening. This part deals more with plans for after Korea, which are all very tentative right now, as they should be, because I know that Korea Round 2 will change me. However, whatever I choose to do specifically at that time will involve moving to a new place in the U.S. I have wanted that deeply for so long, and I've never quite gotten there. I've never let myself do it -- out of fear, out of not having the means, or, well, mainly it's the fear. And lack of trusting myself not to fuck it up and end up broke at my parents' house 6 months later. But going to New York reminded me how much I really want to try a different area of the states. I love Texas, as my home state, as a place I can always come back to, as a place of my roots, but I don't think I belong here as a permanent fixture. Maybe it will be New York, maybe it will be Boston, maybe it will even be the west coast, but when I come back from Korea this time, I will have the means and the courage to try a new area. And hopefully, by that time, I'll have a little more career direction.

All I can say is, despite the hardships, which I have let break me in the past, when I am in a place that is urban and diverse, I feel more like myself than in any other setting. I had forgotten that. I won't let that happen again. And now that I know I have the ability to be broken, I can be prepared for that.

In other news, the trip to New York was really fantastic in other ways, too. Doing all of the touristy stuff was really fun. Seeing a Broadway show starring Silas from Weeds (!) was a highlight, as was Central Park, Rockefeller Center, etc. I was definitely a little starstruck. It was a truly phenomenal long weekend. You know how you anticipate something for so long, it can never meet your expectations? Well, this trip completely EXCEEDED my expectations. It was pretty much everything I imagined and more. How often can you say that about anything?

The old familiar pain

It's funny how you can make a life somewhere without meaning to. You'd think by now, this wouldn't surprise me.

But I'm actually really sad/emotional about leaving the Woodlands. I mean, it has been my home for eight months. A significant amount of time, in my book. Ive really enjoyed certain things about it, mainly the Y, the bike trails, the trees (never thought I'd say that since I'm a wide open spaces girl), and most of all, my family.

Leaving my aunt's house just now knowing I won't see her or her family for at least 14 months was heart wrenching. She has been one of my best friends during my time here. It hurts so much knowing you'll have to miss people. The anticipation of missing them is almost worse. I thought it would be easier this time around, but surprise! It isn't.

Tomorrow, I will see my best friend for the last time in again, at least 14 months. She is having a baby in may, and it hurts to know that I won' be here for such a big event in her life. That we won't

Be part of each other's daily lives anymore. That's what hurts the most about leaving everyone. That we'll just be keeping in touch, not hanging out regularly and being present.

Last week, I was invited to join a swim team at the Y where I work out, and I was flattered, but I had to say no because I'm leaving. It stung a little bit, knowing that I could actually be a part of something here, but it was too late. That's sort of what I meant about making a life without realizing it. I need to remember that for the future though, that sometimes it just takes awhile to find your niche.

As hard as all of this is right now, I do still know that I am doing the right thing. There's no way any of this could be more than temporary. I can't live with my grandmother forever. Sooner or later, I have to rejoin people of my own demographic. And, perhaps most importantly, I have to get some sort of direction. Purpose. A channel in which to get somewhere. I believe I am on my way to doing that.

And maybe even more important than that, I have to allow myself to be brave. I have some shit to prove to myself, and I intend to see that through.

But this part is still painful.

Amendment to the Album List Below:

I didn't realize William Fitzsimmons' "Gold in the Shadow" came out in 2011. So I would like to move it to my #6 album of the year, pushing back my last three albums. If you haven't heard of Willy Fitz, he is beautiful. Just beautiful. Rather mellow, though. So if you're not into that, you won't like him. But he is great. He is a psychotherapist turned musician, so his lyrics are sad and interesting. Just how I like it.

Top Albums of 2011

I have been waiting for like 4 months to do this post! Sometime during the summer, I was buying a lot of new music (no, I don't have a problem!), and I was thinking, how would I rate all of this fantastic music? So, here it is, folks. My personal top 8 albums of 2011 list (I wanted to do a top 10, but apparently I only bought 8 albums in 2011 that actually came out in 2011... but trust me, I bought a lot more that didn't):

8.) "21" by Adele -- Yes, I bought this album the day it came out. It's sort of sad that I feel a little ashamed of admitting that, because Adele really is a great songstress. But the radio stations, TV shows, media in general have just beat these songs into the ground. I will probably revive this album in about three years, when I'm not sick of it anymore. That said, this is not a style of music I typically listen to. It's bluesier, poppier... just not as rock and roll or alternative as I tend to keep it. But I do think Adele did a good job with this one. I'm sorry, Adele, that popular media ruined it for me.

7.) "Zonoscope" by Cut Copy -- I'd heard of Cut Copy before this year but hadn't paid much attention. However, I saw them at ACL this year completely by chance, and they were one of my favorite acts of the entire weekend. They were just so much fun. So, naturally, I bought their newest album the next week. I have to say, I like it but I don't love it as much as I thought I would. It's good, but I don't have the connection to it I have with albums higher on this list. But it is dancy, catchy, upbeat, and fun. I guess I would say, with the exception of a couple of songs that I really do like a lot, it's great background music. But don't listen to it on a road trip by yourself. You'll get bored. Or at least, I did.

6.) "If Not Now, When?" by Incubus -- I've been a fan, but not a diehard one, of Incubus for the past 10 years or so. They have some phenomenal songs, but as for entire albums, I couldn't really get into them. All that changed with this album. It's a little different, a little more mellow than previous stuff, but it's also more precise, more planned, if that makes sense. Great intricate melodies, and of course Brandon Boyd sings his ass off. I mean, this guy can sing. Let's face it, sometimes guy bands don't focus so much on the quality of the vocals. But Brandon's voice is an instrument. I'd say this album is classic Incubus, but better.

5.) "Mylo Xyloto" by Coldplay -- I was a slow fan of Coldplay. After buying their first two albums "Parachutes" and "Rush of Blood to the Head," I was kind of like, "eh." (Although now I have jumped on the "Rush" bandwagon... the Coldplay album, not the band from the '80s). But "X & Y" totally changed my mind, and I loved "Viva la Vida" as well. "Mylo Xyloto" does not disappoint. I saw Coldplay live for the first time in September, and it was a freaking amazing show. Chris Martin is a great performer, as is the rest of the band. The new album is a bit dancier than the previous albums, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The quality of the music and lyrics is the same, if not better, that it's always been, as are the guest artists (Hello, Rihanna, didn't expect to hear you in a Coldplay song). This album is a pure celebration of music.

4.) "Codes and Keys" by Death Cab for Cutie -- As much as I love Death Cab, I was not a fan of their 2008 album "Narrow Stairs." In fact, while I've heard all the songs, I don't think I've ever listened to it all the way through without getting bored and changing it. However, "Codes and Keys" is the Death Cab I remember. Brooding, deep while still upbeat, always surprising me and adding new things to their melodies on top of lyrics that also surprise me and make me think. Sunny or rainy, I can always be in the mood for it. I particularly love "You Are A Tourist," which totally sums up how I feel in my life right now. An interesting take on the feeling that you need a change, you need to move on to something new. As usual, there's at least one song with a minute or longer intro that builds on itself so you never want to skip it. That song on this album is "Unobstructed Views." If you like classic Death Cab, you will like "Codes and Keys."

3.) "People and Things" by Jack's Mannequin -- Okay, for all of you out there who think I'm a traitor to Andrew by not calling this one #1, but I'm not saying it's not amazing. I think it's a great third album by a brilliant band. It did not initially dazzle me as much as the previous album, "The Glass Passenger," but I think of it more as an extension of that album. Plus, so much has to do with what you, the listener, need from the album at the time. But, this is a great road trip album. A great album to have on and jam out to anytime. There are some really stellar tunes on it too -- I particularly enjoy "Release Me" and "Amelia Jean." I'm having trouble putting this album into words. But just listen to it. You'll like it. Piano prodigy and rock and roll -- can't go wrong.

2.) "Ceremonials" by Florence + the Machine -- I'm so happy that my top two albums this year feature female leads! What can I say about the brilliance that is Florence? I only bought her first album, "Lungs," at the beginning of the summer, and by fall, the second was out. I fell in love with "Lungs" of course, and a description I read of it calling the song "Rabbit Heart" a rainstorm in a flower garden I think describes Florence's overall sound perfectly. "Ceremonials" has the same great sound as "Lungs," but the sophomore album has more power. I mean seriously, if you don't feel a surge of something listening to this album, you're dead inside. There is so much about this album that is just plain interesting. You can listen to it over and over and notice different things each time. Florence=sophistication. Both lyrically and musically. You need this album.

1.) "The Valley" by Eisley -- What sums up this choice for BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR for me is that I still listen to it all the way through, over and over, and it came out in March. I took several road trips this year listening to nothing but this album on repeat. All 11 songs are on my "25 Most Played" songs on iTunes. But, about the album (other than my obsession with it): I mean these guys (and girls!) really outdid themselves. Every album, EP, whatever they've done has been better than the one before it, and they started out good. This one really increased their depth of lyrics, vocal ranges, and overall musicality. I mean, there is some serious guitar playing going on. And keys and drums and bass... I just love it. It's still whimsical, lovely Eisley with more of a rock and roll edge. Just buy it (or illegally download it) and listen to it, ok? If you don't like it, you can't be my friend anymore. Just kidding. Sort of.

the lap before the last lap

You ever notice how when you get nearer to the end of something, time slows down? You get cranky, you lose motivation, and you just want to shut down.

I am trying SO HARD not to shut down. I mean, I'm putting the same amount of... cough, cough... effort... into my job that I have been since I realized.... several things I won't go into while still employed. I mean shutting down in other areas.

As a rule, I love going to the Y. It's usually the best part of my day. I feel so good when I leave the Y. Today, I left the Y after 10 minutes because I just couldn't make myself do it. It's been a loooong time since I've done that. I know everyone gets burned out sometimes, and I'm actually very proud of myself because I've worked through various burn outs and lapses in exercise motivation for almost a year and a half now without ever giving up. I won't ever give up, either. It's just hard to make it through the days when you don't give a shit.

It's hard to motivate myself to do other things, too. Clean. Cook. Do pretty much anything except totally veg out. I can smell the end of my house arrest (a.k.a. working from home doing a job that I hate) now. I can taste it, and it's so close, I just want it to be here. I think this is why I'm feeling lackluster. Cabin fever doesn't help. But too often, there's nowhere to go. And hovering grandmothers are ALWAYS there.

It's funny because in sports, the last leg of the race is usually the easiest. Well, maybe not physically, but the easiest mentally. You know you're almost done, so you can push yourself a little longer to reach the finish line. Maybe I'll get that feeling when I'm a little closer. Because the last lap is easy, but the one before it isn't always.

Anyway, then there's the old fear. I've been working out so hard (while trying not to fall victim to burn out for more than a day or two, which I've done before with costly results) and trying so hard to be healthy and I'm really seeing results. Which is great, but the other side of that is The Fear -- falling off the wagon, gaining it all back, not being able to maintain. I think because I have done this slowly and steadily, no dieting, nothing crazy, that I will be able to maintain it. But The Fear isn't totally gone. The old demons will always be there. And, I REALLY want to be a size 10 by the time I go shopping for jeans in January. I am afraid I won't be where I want to be. It sounds sick, but sabotaging oneself so that one doesn't have to feel disappointment for failure is real. It's classic fear of success; if you set yourself up to fail, you know why you didn't reach your goal. You don't have to feel like you tried as hard as you could and didn't make it.

I know that if I am not there, I will be eventually, but the problem is that they don't carry size 10s in Korea. I've never seen any pants in Korea bigger than an 8. But I'll just have to deal with that. And since I'm losing weight the healthy way, I can't expect to drop sizes quickly. That's ok. As long as I'm staying healthy, I'll be happy. Just not as happy as I would be if I were a size 10. Ha.

But, the bottom line. Today did not go as I wanted it to. Tomorrow I will see that it goes differently.

adapting to your shit

Sometimes, even though you see yourself differently, more evolved, it can be hard to get other people to see you that way.

I understand this. I mean, without getting too deep here, do people ever really fundamentally change? Maybe not. I don't know, but I think part of the challenge is not changing really, but learning how to adapt and be successful in spite of your flaws and mistakes. Basically, getting your shit together. YOUR shit. Finding a way to make YOUR shit work for you.

Anyway, I am struggling with this right now. I know my track record doesn't look so good, to the completely unobjective third party who doesn't know me. I understand these people's doubts. I really do; however, what's frustrating me is that I feel like I'm being judged on who I was and what I did two years ago, when I feel completely different. I see myself completely differently. Almost as if I'm being considered based on another person's actions. But how do I convince other people that nothing is the same? I think what it comes down to is someone giving me a chance and allowing actions to speak louder than words. How can I show what I can do if no one will give me that chance?

I know there are a lot of other things for them to consider. It's a lot bigger deal taking a chance on someone when they're traveling across an ocean to come work for you.

I'm going to get completely paranoid for a second, just to get it out of my system: even if the Korea thing doesn't work out, like no one would hire me there because of past mistakes, what reason would anyone, anywhere, have to hire me, or even to accept me for school or something? Let's face it, my track record in general is not so great. My fear is that I've built up all this inconsistency that's made me unhirable and unacceptable in all areas.

Just typing that makes me feel better because I realize how ridiculous it is. It looks so much more ridiculous in print than it does locked inside my head. And anyway, there were specific things that went wrong in the interview that sparked this post. Specific people whom I feel were not on my side from the beginning, even before things got seriously derailed. I could tell it just wasn't right, and to be honest, even before the decision was made (not in my favor, obviously), I was considering other options. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared the same thing will happen with the next one, or if I said my confidence wasn't a little shaken, but I just have to keep going and trust that something will work out. I really just have to put this behind me.

I guess I might as well stop being cryptic and just say what happened: I had an interview with a school in Korea where one of my friend works (she helped me get the interview). There were two people interviewing me: an American guy and a Korean woman. I could tell the American guy was not impressed with me from the beginning. I'm not sure why, but we were just not on the same page. I'll go as far as to say I thought he was kind of a dick. I thought the Korean lady liked me though. Anyway, I got off the phone, and they called me right back because they (he) had just noticed the dates of my previous Korean experience on my resume (which of course was less than a year), and they wanted an explanation. I told the truth for the most part, but they wanted to talk to that school. I sent them the phone number for the school and told them who to talk to (although who knows who they actually talked to). A few hours later, I had an email saying I didn't get the job. Now, part of me thinks I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway, part of me thinks that is why I didn't get the job but because they think it looks suspicious, not because the school said anything bad about me, and part of me thinks they said something bad and is dying to know what it was. But of course, I'll never know. And I really think that guy was suspicious of me, for whatever reason, from the beginning and the other thing was just a reason for him to say no. Of course, it all adds to the fear that other schools will ask to talk to my old school and I'll keep getting turned down over and over again. This is what I mean about being judged on my past. But I really think lying about the dates would be worse. I think that would come back to haunt me big time. So I'll just keep being honest and hope that I get better vibes from the next school.

liberation

For all the great (or not so great) semi-feminist literature, movies, TV shows, what-have-you out there featuring strong women leads, I would like to see a few changes made. Otherwise, all of these stories are only new ways to perpetuate old stereotypes. You'll see why I said semi-feminist.

First of all, can we at least once please see a tale of a girl who doesn't end up with a guy? Why does the guy even have to be a part of the equation? In real life, very few personal quests a woman can go on de facto end up with getting a boyfriend and riding off into the sunset. I realize that love stories sell movie tickets, but what about those of us who aren't secretly bombshells under our freakiness? What about those of us who choose to embrace the freedom of being single, rather than see it as some unfortunate thing that happened to us? Why don't we get stories to relate to? When people see single guys, they tend to assume it's a choice. He's enjoying being a bachelor. He doesn't want to be tied down. When they see a single girl, they pity her. They tell her not to worry, she'll find someone. He's out there. You know what? Maybe he's not. And that's okay. I AM ENOUGH. And I refuse to consider anyone else when defining myself.

Another reason, other than romance (and sex) sells, I think these stories are perpetuated is that on some level, there are true elements to them. I know, that kind of contradicts everything I just said. But let me explain. I have easily the most inactive love life of all of my friends. I always have. I wish I had learned to be okay with that a lot sooner, but my point is that I watch quite literally all of my friends date, get noticed, get flirted with, have relationships, get married, etc., etc. And it's never me (although it is true that when I'm being flirted with, I don't usually even notice). Not only do my friends not realize this (I kind of think that they, like me, think it's just not possible for me... wow, I am being REALLY honest right now), but I don't think they could handle it if it were them. They don't know what it's like for love (well, romance... sex, whatever) not to be in the picture. I don't how else to put it, but they just don't get it. (And if you're reading this, don't tell me that you do--you don't. Press me on this and I'll get even more detailed as to why you don't).

So, getting back to my point about literature, it is my feeling that if my friends, and other girls, saw a movie, read a book, whatever, with a female lead, where there was no love story, they would be like, "where was the love story? Why didn't she meet a guy? She deserved to meet a guy. You know what would've made that better? A love story with a hot guy!" Ick. Again, why are we qualifying her success, her life, her happiness with love?

So for all of the work that our women's liberation movement predecessors did (and they did a whole hell of a lot), I don't think we're truly liberated until we can see our lives totally independent of men (I realize that we live in a co-ed world, and that's a good thing, but I'm talking about how we see ourselves looking inward). And when that happens, it will be reflected in literature and art.

Let me also make clear that I am not a man-hater. I respect and am friends with many dudes. I just want to be seen, valued and treated independently of men. I don't have anything against getting married, having babies, or having relationships. I don't really have anything against people who make those choices being represented in art. I would just like to see something I could relate to, for once. I can't be the only one.