getting over the hump and where things start to get shady

I guess Sunday has become my designated blog day. Although I don't think I posted last week.

I'm still on the roller coaster. I wake up most mornings thinking, "crap, I'm still here." I feel like I'm inching, inching along to the six month mark. In three weeks, I'll be in Vietnam, and that will be the five month mark, a pretty good milestone, especially considering I'll pass it while on vacation. Then, a month later, the much-anticipated halfway point will arrive. This is such a big deal to me because I kind of see it as getting over the hump. The first half of things tends to go by slower than the second half, so I'm sort of counting on this experience to be that way too. I don't know, halfway just seems like such an accomplishment. Like, if I can make it through half of this, surely I can make it through the other half. That sounds really dumb, but I know what I mean.

Plus, the second half includes my Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving) trip to Japan with a friend who's coming to visit from home (two exciting things rolled into a very exciting 10 days!) and my trip to China for Christmas. As well as smaller things like Halloween, lunar New Year (which I probably won't do anything big for but it's still a five-day weekend), the kindergarten talent show and graduation, and then I'll be HOME. Please, time, hurry up. I want to enjoy my time here, I just want to do it quicker.

Also, the six month mark will occur simultaneously with my birthday! I plan on hitting up a wine buffet in Seoul that a friend of mine went to for her birthday, and it was fantastic. Unfortunately, the Friday night of my birthday weekend (my birthday is on a Sunday this year, so the wine festivities will take place on Saturday), I got guilted into helping chaperone the PAJAMA PARTY at school. Which means Rachael, Pierre and I, along with some of the Korean teachers, are basically babysitting a bunch of elementary school kids ALL NIGHT LONG. Oh, and did I mention we don't get paid for it? They can't technically make us do it, but she (my boss) pushed and pushed until I felt like I couldn't say no.

So, along those lines, things are starting to get a tad shady at my school. I mean, hagwons are always a little on the shady side, but our owner has started getting a little shadier. The enrollment in our afternoon program has gone down (that's when the elementary and middle school kids come after public school), so we're doing this summer intensive program where the kids come in the morning while they have a month off from public school, which means we each are teaching an extra class every day for the month of August. Originally, we were told we would be paid overtime for that class. Now, we've been told no one will be paid extra for it because we won't technically be going over the legal cap of 30 teaching hours a week where he would legally have to pay us overtime. The hours we get paid for don't include planning time, which I knew, but I just think it's shady that we were told we would get paid and now we're not. And that I have to stay up all night on a Friday with a bunch of 8 year olds and not get paid for it.

Ok. Rant over. At the very least, Rachael, Pierre and I are all in this together and we should have some good stories to tell. I keep trying to go back to my mantra: It's just Korea. It's just Korea. It's temporary. And really, my directors at school (shady owner aside) have been so great, and things could so totally, definitely be ten thousand times worse. I am just trying to train myself not to borrow trouble. I let my imagination run wild sometimes and think "what if this happened or that happened or they try to make me do this or it interferes with this and what would I do?" But I can't live like that. I'll drive myself crazy. All I can do is take it as it comes. Take it as it comes. Take it as it comes. Mantra #2. There's no way I can be prepared for every little thing. Or even most things.

One really great thing did happen this past week. I started a "swimming class" at the gym in the building where my school is. I hadn't done it until now because I thought they were just learn to swim classes, but with the help of my Korean partner teacher, I signed up for the expert level class for the month of July, and it is fantastic! It's just like swim practice back home. It's a great workout, the people are nice (even though they barely speak English) and I think it's totally what I need.

So, for now, I'm just going to try and focus on that and the things I have planned that are coming up. Next weekend, my friend is coming to visit from Seoul. It's ridiculous how excited I get about having someone around to hang out with me on the weekend. Having stuff to do keeps my mind from going all nutzoid. Like last weekend, I went to Seoul to meet up with another friend and register for our overseas ballots at the US Embassy. I didn't go all crazy weird that weekend. Anyway, and then Vietnam, etc., etc. Hopefully, going to Vietnam will refresh me and restore my faith in why I'm here. Because, if I'm being honest, most days, my desire for this to be over and to go home outweighs my passion for being here. However, the travel/sightseeing days usually make up for that. I'm going to stop now. I'm rambling.

the cruel joke

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know if I'm trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be.

Before anybody gets their panties in a wad, I am not leaving Korea. Well, before the end of February, when my contract is up.

I just feel like I've tried so hard to put myself out there and make friends and do things and NONE of it is working out. There must be something wrong with me. And it's like, the more I fail at it, the more negative and disenchanted I become, and the worse I am around new people. It's like, I read this article one time about how not to act in a job interview, and one of the people said that they had been on so many bad interviews that they realized how negative they had begun to sound in the interviews. Like after trying for so long and not getting hired, they couldn't hide that negativity from the interviewers anymore. The more times they failed, the less they believed getting a job was possible. That's how I feel. Like damaged goods in the friendship world.

I feel like I have never in my life had this much trouble making friends. Sure, there've been times when I've been lonelier or more isolated than others, more as a result of circumstances than anything else, but I always found people, someone, in the end. Of course, I realize this is not the end, as I am just one third finished with my time in Korea, but the worse this gets, the more I see Korea, as it pertains to my life, as a cruel joke.

A cruel joke, yes. The first time I was in Korea, I hated my job and dreaded going to work everyday. Mind you, I had never really worked full time before, but my co-workers from that time will tell you I had good reason to hate that job. However, during that time, I also had friends. Friends I didn't have to work very hard to make. I did work with most of the them, so the friendships just kind of fell into place, but still. It was more or less effortless. Now, I feel like I didn't appreciate that enough.

This time around, I actually like my job. Not enough to want to stay beyond this year, but I have no problems with it, I generally get along with my co-workers, and I actually, to my surprise, enjoy my time with the kids. I never have to take work home, and I feel very little work-related stress. Not a bad gig.

The joke is that I can't have it both ways. I know the obvious response here; of course you can't have it both ways, Sarah, you're expecting too much. You can't have everything. But the thing is that I feel like I see so many people who come to Korea, and they just magically have a decent job and these great, lasting friendships and Korea is just this magical time for them. (Yes, I realize I just said magical twice in the same sentence). Why can't I have that????? I thought coming here I would finally feel like I was around people like me. Like I would fit in. And I've never felt so out of place.

I know everyone has "what I am doing here?" moments. And really, keeping my eye on the prize helps me to not go insane. 1.) Save money, and 2.) prove to myself I can last a whole year. Oh, and 3.) Travel Asia a little bit. Maybe that's the difference. I see this experience as more of a personal challenge. I also come into it with baggage. But I still feel stupid. I mean, since I left Korea last time, I kind of romanticized it in my head like this great, adventurous life I had given up. Now, all I can see is the life at home I gave up. Maybe the real cruel joke is that I haven't been able to appreciate what I have  while I have it. I'm trying not to make that mistake now. It's just hard when I feel like everyone who knows and cares about me is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean.

I don't feel like I'm really asking for a lot here. I just want one or two real friends. That doesn't seem like it should be so hard. And I have really, really been trying. Yesterday, I went to the pool hoping to meet this other American girl who swims there but she wasn't there. And last night, I tried to go bike riding with a bike group, which turned out to be a disaster. I will tell the whole god-awful story of yesterday and how everything I tried to do went horribly wrong later, as I don't have the energy now.

I just felt so confident and so together before I came here, and now, I don't understand why I can't seem to connect.

way to normal (yes, I stole that from a Ben Folds album)

Okay. I know what I said in my last post. I was feeling more and more like myself, settling in, blah, blah, blah.

The truth is that the first couple of months here have been a roller coaster so far. I'm up, I'm down, I don't know which way is up and which is down. I think I've entered the period where things stop being exciting and start sucking until the light at the end of the tunnel comes. What I mean by that is the initial newness is pretty much over, but I'm still finding my place. One day (hopefully sooner rather than later), I will wake up and all of a sudden realize that I got through it and things are so much better. I'll be able to breathe again. It won't be such a chore to get through each day, each week; I'll just be doing it.

I'm sort of done with all the "new person" stuff and now I'm just trying to figure out how to be. Sometimes, all of this is still so surreal. I look around and think, "I'm really here. I can't believe I actually came back." I really can't. It crossed my mind so many times in the past two years, but I can't believe I made it happen. Sometimes, I am genuinely surprised by my own power. All the time, actually. I feel like I'm this ineffectual, misunderstood wallflower so much of the time, but then I go and get shit done. Most things I've ever really, truly wanted I've made happen. They weren't always what I thought I was getting and they weren't always great decisions, but man, I can set stuff in motion. I should figure how to use this to my advantage more.

So anyway, here I am in the suck tunnel. Ennui. I've been feeling really restless, and I'm not too sure what to do about it. Restless and unmotivated at the same time, I guess. See, I've been through this before, so I know how it goes and that really all I can do is wait it out. So I want it to be over but I can't force it. That sounds like an excuse, but I just can't. It's the pure truth. The harder I try to get out of it, the more I seem to get sucked in. So the best thing to do is not worry about it and trust that it will end.

I feel like I'm being really vague. For me, the beginning of anything is always hard. It's like being a freshman in high school and you don't really know who your real friends are yet or where you fit into things, and you're trying so desperately hard to figure it out but really all you can do is wait for it to take care of itself. And then, by the time you're a sophomore, it's old hat and you've found your place, without you really even knowing it was happening.

Yep, high school never ends.

I'm not just talking about making friends; I'm really talking about just day to day existence. Feeling okay. Not being on pins and needles all the time. Not having dreams that you're home and you did it and it's over, only to wake up and realize that oh, yeah, it's only been six weeks. (Although at least now, I'm dreaming that it's like June or something, not next February).

I'm just waiting for normal. It will come. I'll be ready.

Spring: A metaphor for my life right now

Well, look at me updating twice in one week. Today, I went swimming, walked around outside, and now I'm writing. Feeling more and more like myself all the time.

Spring is here! I'm so happy to be able to walk around outside without a jacket (which is funny because when it's this temperature in Texas - high 50s, low 60s - people put their jackets on, not off). Yesterday, some friends and I had a lovely picnic in the park. Gotta get my vitamin D!

Then, I finally saw the Hunger Games. I say finally - the movie only came out in Korea on Thursday. But I absolutely loved it! I'll go as far as to say it was the best film adaptation of a book I've seen in a long time (I'll admit that it had been enough time since I read it that I didn't remember every detail, which is always a good thing at the movies). Sorry, Harry. I still love you too.

One of the things I've learned about myself through being here is that I'm a person it takes a long time to get to know. I've known this before, of course, and it's been confirmed by friends I have now that it took me a couple of years to get to know well. I'm just finding it to be somewhat of a difficulty in my life right now. I'm enjoying all the company I'm keeping, but sometimes in group situations, I see myself as being boring or not having anything to contribute. I get so caught up listening to and observing other people. This probably isn't as bad as I think it is, but I'm just ready for people to really know me. I'm ready to be completely comfortable and not feel like everything I say comes out wrong or that people have the completely wrong idea about who I am. Like, at first I feel like I come off as really serious, and while I definitely have a serious side, that's not really me. This hit me the other day when I was skyping with someone from home and I said something that made them laugh. I thought, why can't I be this person here? I guess all in good time.

The other part of this equation is that I get to know people better one on one. I like hanging out in groups, but I don't tend to participate that much unless I know most of the people in the group pretty well or just feel really comfortable. I'm, again, observing. Sometimes this apparently comes off as me looking bored or pissed off, which I really don't appreciate being told (I mean really, what is the point of that? If I actually were pissed off, why would you want to set me off?).

But I am happy to say that the people I hung out with on Saturday do make me feel really comfortable. I feel like I found the real people here. People who are about the same speed as me, who are smart and have similar senses of humor. People who like to go out and have a good time but are about more than just the bar scene. I only hope I am not making a terrible impression on them. Although Saturday I was also recovering from a crazy Friday night (one of those accidental crazy nights) where I arrived home at 8 a.m. So maybe I should forgive myself for not being Suzy Social. And as always, I am being my own worst critic.

Speaking of Friday night, that night I went out by myself for one of the first times in my life and it totally was fine! I ran into several people I know, hung out with them, met some new people, including a couple who will be working with me in a few weeks, and just basically had an excellent time. Only that excellence should have ended several drinks before it did. Oh, well. I still had fun. No regrets.

I can see real growth in myself in so many ways since being here, particularly when comparing this time to Korea Take One (as I am now referring to it). That's the most important thing. Come on, Spring.

just an update, nothing major

I'm sitting here playing on the internet and listening to somewhat melancholy music. I've always been a fan of depressing music; it makes me happy. Okay, maybe not happy, but I like to sort of lose myself in it. Is there really any better form of expression? Even those of us who are not musically inclined (as my classes full of Korean kids who have heard me sing the cheesy songs in their textbooks can attest to) can be taken to higher level of existence through music. And the depressing stuff brings out the best in the artists.

Anyway. Another good weekend. A weekend filled with food, alcohol and new friends. Walking the streets of Daejeon. Shopping in stores made for tiny Asian women. Meeting people from all kinds of places. Introducing my new British friends to margaritas. Introducing myself to a soju and margarita hangover on Saturday morning. Practicing my new Korean reading skills.

There are some exciting things coming up in the next couple of months. The organization where I take Korean class is hosting a trip to Jeonju, a traditional Korean town, at the end of the month, as well as a hiking/tree planting trip in April. I'm going to sign up for a 10K run in Gyeongju, where the cherry blossoms are supposed to be phenomenal. I also plan on signing up for a DMZ tour, but I may have missed the window for that one. Another one will come along. In the next couple of weeks, I'm going to head up to Seoul to see my dear friend Brandy from home. I feel like life here has been extremely busy so far, but I like it. I feel like I'm actually a part of life here rather than watching it from the outside, which I have felt too many times before. Of course I'm still in the adjustment period, but I'm pretty pleased with how everything is going.

There are times when I feel pangs for home, but I know that if I were at home, I would wish I were here. And there are times when I wake up in the morning surprised/scared to be in Korea, but the fear passes relatively quickly and I just go on. I remember what I am proving to myself and how lucky I am to be able to experience all of this.

I wish I had more interesting and intelligent things to say at the moment, but I'm at a loss.

getting my bearings

Just thought I'd write an update for everyone who was worried about me the other day. Things are going MUCH better.

It's been a whirlwind of a few days. It's hard to believe that it's only my third full day here. Friday was a little difficult, mainly because of the jet lag, but other than that, it was good. Matthew, the head English teacher, walked me to the school that morning, and as soon as we walked into the teachers' room and he introduced me to Kelly, the director, she hugged me and I instantly liked her and knew it was all going to be okay. I met the rest of the teachers: Istelle and Tania from South Africa, Daniel from Mississippi, Helen and Pierre from England, and many Korean teachers, all of whom were friendly. It's nice because the foreign and Korean teachers really seem to get along and work well together, which wasn't the case at my old school (although I'm going to try really hard not to compare the two all the time, at least not publicly). My co-teacher's name is Sarah as well, and she was very nice and helpful.

They feed us free lunch at the school, which is really nice, and the building that houses the school also contains our bank, a gym, a swimming pool, a deli, and there are other shops, a fruit stand and some other things on the same corner. The schedule seems good too. The classes are 40 minutes, and we each teach many classes but have several breaks throughout the day. That's really all I know at this point. Tomorrow, I begin teaching and I have to go get my health check to get the process of getting my alien card started. Once I have the card, I can get a bank account and a cell phone.

So anyway, so far, so good at work.

Friday night, Daniel and Helen showed me around the neighborhood a bit: grocery stores, restaurants, etc. We ate kimbap at a place a couple of blocks from the apartment building. $3 for a giant roll of kimbap (sort of like sushi), a bowl of soup and kimchi. I see myself eating there a lot. After that, we had a couple of drinks and played cards, and then Daniel and Helen went out, but the jet lag was beating me by that time so I just went to bed. I'm happy to say that I slept 7 hours straight, a vast improvement from the night before.

Saturday, I woke up, showered, and headed out to the grocery store. I took a little detour on the way to explore the neighborhood a little more. There are coffee shops, bars, restaurants, and few shops. I picked up some essentials at the store and then went home and SCRUBBED this apartment, particularly the kitchen, from top to bottom. The guy who had it before me was pretty nasty (which is funny because I met him Thursday night, and he told me he had cleaned the place for me...right).

So then a little bit later, Helen came upstairs (she lives right below me) and asked if I wanted to join her and some people she knew from a different part of town at the Yuseong foot spa (this is part of the famous hot springs in Daejeon). I said sure, of course, and we headed across town. Taxis are so cheap here. Anyway, the spa was this large rock hot tub type thing where you rinse your feet, get in and sit on the ledge with your feet in the water for as long as you want. And it's free. So I met a few other foreigners. After the spa, we went to eat dak galbi (a sort of spicy chicken stew) and Korean man in the restaurant bought us all Cokes. Korean people are generally very friendly and often fascinated by us waygooks (foreigners).

By this time, my new friends had learned that I have a CostCo card and wanted to accompany me there, where I was headed, to buy sheets. So we got on the subway (my first subway adventure in Daejeon) and made our way there. We weren't exactly sure where it was from the subway stop, so a Korean man led us there, which was really nice of him. I got some desperately needed bedding (last night was MUCH more comfortable), a giant block of cheese and some Hormel ham. Then, since Helen and I were pretty much back in our neighborhood, we headed home.

A little while later, Daniel, Helen, their friend Mark and I went to dinner at an all you can eat Korean barbecue place. So delicious. I had missed it. The boys probably ate an entire pig. I got full after a few rounds.

After dinner, I called it a night. I think I was asleep before 10 p.m., and despite waking up for just a little while around 3 a.m., I was able to go back to sleep and stay asleep until about 8:15. Progress! Today, I plan on walking around a bit more to continue getting my bearings. Anyway, that's all for now. I'm just pretty relieved things have gone so well so far.

the jet lag talking

I quite literally wept from the moment my parents left me at security in Dallas until I went to bed in my new apartment in Daejeon.

This was not a continuous cry. It was pretty steady from Dallas to Denver, relapsed between Denver and San Francisco, and I fought it between San Francisco and Seoul because I was sitting between two really nice people - a Korean girl and another American English teacher - and I didn't want to talk about it or make them feel weird.

Once I was safely alone in my apartment, I had another bawl fest. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. One, moving across the world is a stressful experience, no matter how many times you do it. Two, I like to act like I'm Miss Jetsetter, Miss Independent, but I'm really a big Mama's girl. Picturing my parents and the family dog has been enough to set me off again all day. I miss them so much. Three, coming back to Korea is causing a whole lot of mixed emotions associated with my previous experience here to resurface. Do I think I made a mistake by coming back? No. But I am reliving the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, the homesickness that I felt last time, and that ultimately broke me. I am much stronger now, but it's possible that I never really dealt with some of those issues before and physically being here is forcing me to. This is probably good in the long run. Four, I'm freaking exhausted. It's 3 a.m. here (noon in Texas), and I am wide awake. I expected I would wake up about now, but I really only slept from like 11 to 12:45 or something! I know I was/am way more tired than that. I'll probably be a zombie tomorrow, but I just can't sleep right now.

The positives: I'm also remembering all the things I liked about Korea too. It's nice to be somewhere where the people are so friendly and helpful, everything is within walking distance, and you typically have a lot in common with the other foreigners. Also, amid all my anxiety about work and being back in the classroom and everything else, I keep having these bursts where I feel like it's going to be okay. Where I feel confident and open-minded and just...ready for it.

The bottom line is that although this is not a perfect situation (what is?), and I will no doubt curse my decision to be here on occasion, I need to do this to prove to myself that I can. A year is short, but it's also long. And I'm scared, excited, nervous, sad, and happy all at once to be starting on this journey. I look forward to reading this again in 12 months and seeing how I've changed. (In this moment, I also look forward to my parents greeting me at DFW Airport in 12 months. Home sweet home. But that's just the homesickness/culture shock/jet lag talking.)