my not-exactly resolutions

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted, if anyone even reads this. Writing helps me work out my thoughts, but sometimes I get too depressed to write, or not even depressed, simply that I don't feel like working out my thoughts and I just want to let them fester. Or I don't want to deal with it.

Anyway, I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. But today, it feels right to update. I have successfully made it through 2012. One of the hardest yet most rewarding thus far. I feel, more than ever now, that I know what I want and what I don't want. This year has been full of things that made me incredibly happy and things that made me incredibly sad. So, to sum up, I'm going to make two sets of lists: a list of happy things, a list of sad things, a list of things I want, and a list of things I don't want. Here we go.

Things this year that made me happy:
• proving to myself that I could survive a year overseas (58 days to go!)
• being able to travel so much
• having disposable income
• the few friends I've made/gotten closer to this year
• discovering that I do want to be a teacher
• forgiving myself for leaving Korea early before
• most recently, going to Thailand and remembering who I am and that I can put myself out there and get along with new people

Things that made me sad:
• literally never feeling more alone in my life
• watching other people have these great bonds with co-workers, etc., while at my school friendships between the teachers are not encouraged... it doesn't seem fair
• to go along with that, always feeling on the outside when I hang out with my friends and their co-workers, even though they are all so nice, it just happens
• learning that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you are not going to win
• becoming entirely disillusioned with the Korean education system, among other things
• getting away from things that are really important to me, like health


Things I want moving forward:
• to become a teacher in the states
• to stay somewhere long enough to form lasting relationships
• to be able to do things I love, like swimming and cooking
• to be a part of my friends' and family's day to day lives again
• to be able to travel more and have more adventures
• to feel like I'm not on the outside anymore, to stop being afraid to actually be a part of things

Things I don't want:
• to live overseas anymore
• to keep drifting
• to feel like I'm losing myself
• to feel like I'm on the outside... I know this is a bit repetitive
• to keep being in situations where I have a countdown to the day I get to leave
• to keep running away
• to feel trapped...  I declare RIGHT NOW, that I'm not going to allow myself to feel that way

These are not exactly New Year's resolutions, but it's fitting to write this all out on New Year's Day. I know that a lot of these things that I want are going to take time and are not going to come easy. But I finally feel ready to start and ready to shed some layers. I saw it quoted recently that "growing hurts," and I think I've grown tremendously this year, and it was painful but worth it. And I know I have more growing left to do. So happy new year, my few readers. Bring on the next chapter!

dreams of America

What I'm struggling with right now is that going home seems so close and yet SO. FAR. Like it will never get here. Ugh. I need to stop thinking about it so much because that makes it worse.

Anyway, I'm starting a list of things I want to do as shortly after returning to the U.S. as possible:

• go on a road trip to see as many friends and family as possible (including my BFF's baby whom I haven't met yet, so he can go ahead and start thinking of me as his cool Aunt Sarah)
• on that note, drive my car
• eat Mexican food
• swim in a pool that isn't crowded with hundreds of gawking Asians
• work out ANYWHERE not crawling with hundreds of gawking Asians
• walk down a street not filled with hundreds of gawking Asians
• eat Mexican food
• go to a concert
• float the river
• go shopping in stores that carry my size
• eat Mexican food
• eat barbecue
• not eat Asian food for at least a year
• get a haircut without being terrified of the outcome
• go to Zoe's Kitchen and Jason's Deli... at least once a week... why are so many of these about food? haha
• another one: cook, bake, in a real kitchen with an OVEN

I'm sure I will keep adding to this throughout the next 3 months. 

just a run-of-the-mill update

Well, it's Sunday, and you know what that means. Update time. And it's pouring down rain outside, so I'm perfectly content to hole up in my apartment and play on the computer. I love rainy weekends.

It's been a rather enlightening week for me. Time is really starting to fly, and I hope that continues. I've pretty much made my peace with being here, but it is not easy. Anyway, it's exactly 2 weeks until my 27th birthday. I don't think 27 is old, but it's still hard to believe I'm in my late 20s. But enough age talk. I have 3 more years before I really have to freak out.

I've also been (lately, not just this week) realizing how much I want to keep teaching (and traveling, but we'll get to that). It's funny how this year was supposed to be something I had to get through to save money to become something else and I ended up finding what I really want to do. Yeah, I tried this road 3 years ago and it didn't work out, but I think I just wasn't ready then. I'm 2 weeks away from my halfway point for this year, and I've thought several times during the past 6 months that I regretted coming back. It hasn't been an easy road (in so many ways I could never have imagined beforehand), and it definitely hasn't been the magical foreign experience everyone imagines before they do something like this, but it has definitely been worth it - just not in the ways I thought it would be.

So anyway, I've been throwing myself into work and allowing myself to let go and enjoy it. This is a really significant a-ha moment for me after so many years of trying things out and so many failed attempts and so much soul searching. How typical for me to give into something I fought so hard against for so long, something I thought I couldn't do.

I guess I don't have much exciting news to report this week. It was a long, tiring week back to work after vacation, but it went pretty well. I definitely think my kindergarten experience ends after this year. I still don't have any friends in Daejeon, but I guess that's just the way it is. Luckily I am independent by nature.

maybe I'm meant for this life after all

I've been saying for the past several months that I was disappointed in myself because I always thought, from a young age, that I would be good at living overseas. I felt like I was just failing miserably at it, over and over again. Or I would be on the brink of being successful at it, like the first time in Korea, but I would give up before I had the chance.

One of the major things I've noticed in life is that things take time to get good. You have to give things a few months usually before you can really make an informed decision about them. Sometimes, you want things to be good and you try so hard to make them good, but after a few months you have to accept that they're not working and make a new plan. But more often, the first few months are shaky and you question what you're doing and why you're doing it. You long for the life you had before you took on the new endeavor. You daydream about life after this phase.

And then, without trying or doing it consciously, things sort of become business as usual, and you realize suddenly that everything's ok and you're doing it. A little further down the line, you may find that you actually like what you're doing. You may find that you're even good at it. You may start to question those future plans you made when you were daydreaming about getting the hell out of there.

All of this has been a very long preface to say that the way my job and my travel experiences have been going lately, I'm starting to rethink my plans for next year. I don't want to stay in Korea (I think I've done Korea), and I do want to go home at least for a couple of months, but I'm sort of thinking about paying off some loans when I'm done and then trying another country. There are some great opportunities out there, and with a full year of experience and my TEFL certificate, I have a lot of options.

One of the things this year is teaching me is that I really am a good teacher. And more importantly, I actually like teaching. More specifically, I'm learning what ages and subjects I like the best. I may even consider being a real teacher at home eventually. If the job market ever improves.

I mean, we'll see how the second half of the year goes. I may just be on a vacation high right now. But living here on my own and traveling to Vietnam especially have shown me that I don't have to be scared of a lot of the things that terrified me before. I am good at the expat life. It's just not easy, like I assumed it would be.

Empowered by Vietnam

Let me start off by saying that Vietnamese coffee (and food) may be the best I've ever had. Seriously. Yum. I write this as I sit in one of the many coffee shops in Ho Chi Minh City.

Second, I can say with confidence that this has been the best trip of my life so far for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I did it by myself. That made for a few lonely moments, and going to the bar (which I only did once) wasn't nearly as much fun, but proving to myself that I could travel to the most different country I've ever been to on my own and survive was so worth it. Not to mention having complete freedom and control on your vacation is no small thing.

This is why I wanted to come to Asia in the first place - all the things I've seen and done here are what drew me back in the very beginning, three years ago. For awhile, I thought I would never realize that dream, and now I've started to. And there's so much more to see. Thailand, Cambodia, Indonesia... I've already booked trips to Japan and China. I know I won't get to see every place I want to go, at least not this year -reality calls - but now I feel like I've reaffirmed how important it is to do as much as I can while I'm already over here.

Tonight, I leave for the land of the morning calm (korea). I need to remember to take more advantage of that country also. This post was more of a feeling-oriented, sense of empowerment update. I'll write a longer one after I get back telling about this trip and what I actually did. Much more exciting. :)

the definition of insanity

Well, folks, it's blogging Sunday again. And let me just first provide you with the disclaimer that at the moment I feel like an emotional wreck, so this post will probably result in me coming off like a psychopath.

It's funny how certain songs can take you back. More than just, "oh, that song makes me think of middle school," which is what tends to happen when I watch reruns of Dawson's Creek. I mean songs that very specifically remind you of a particular life event or something you went through.

"Why Can't I?" by Liz Phair just came on my Pandora shuffle, and instantly I was 18 again, somewhere on US Highway 281 between Corpus Christi and Granbury, wondering what happened to my life. Maybe this hits me so hard because almost 9 years later, I'm still wondering. Anyway, at that time in my life, I was just starting college (at a college I had only decided to attend 3 weeks before school started), my first boyfriend had just broken up with me, and for a lot of reasons I felt like I had gone from being on top of the world after just finishing high school to everything going right down the crapper. The year was a series of difficult life lessons that ended up being some of the best memories I have. My first taste of adulthood, although I was still such a baby. (I'll probably look back on my life right now in 10 years and think I'm a baby now, but that's just the way it goes).

Hearing that song today sort of made me feel like what I'm going through now mirrors what I went through then. Now, I am not nearly so naive, there is no guy in the picture, and I am an actual adult rather than a college student, but I still find that I make a lot of the same mistakes and find myself in similar predicaments (....isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Maybe we don't need to entertain that...) I mean seriously, what is that? I've uprooted myself enough to realize that I often fall victim "geographical solution," where you relocate yourself as a solution to your problems, instead of dealing with them, and of course what happens is that they follow you.

I get so excited about the next phase, the next adventure, and then once I'm in it, I can't wait to leave. I have a constant countdown running in my head. I'm now afraid that I don't know how to live without one. Seven months. 30 weeks. 200 days, give or take. The amount of time it's been since last Christmas. That's how long I have until I can come home. I don't want to treat this like a prison sentence, but that's what it feels like sometimes. I keep imagining the moment I will walk through the doors of the international terminal at DFW airport to see my parents there waiting for me. I imagine the feeling that this was all worth it, that I got what I came for. I imagine the sense of accomplishment I will have for seeing this through.

On the other hand, today I was thinking about the sadness I felt when I was leaving Korea the first time. Today, it occurred to me that I honestly don't think I would feel that way if I left Korea tomorrow. See, last time, I had connected with people, I had gotten to the point where I liked my kids and had more or less made peace with the school. This time, I don't really have any problems with the school or my job, I mean sure there are mild annoyances, but that's any job. But I have no social support system. Outside of work and the gym, I feel the most secure and happy when I'm spending time with my three friends in this country, each of whom lives in a different city and therefore is not a part of my day to day life. Honestly, if I left to come home right now I don't think I would care. I would feel sad that it didn't work out, but I don't think there is anything at all I would miss (I did miss things about Korea itself last time, but by now I think I've been Korea-ified enough to last me a lifetime). Of course, if I did that I would miss out on the severance pay and free plane ticket home I will receive at the end, but I'm talking more about my own feelings than about practical things. I think this whole thing is something I was trying to make up for botching when I was 23/24 and now I just want to move past it, which I ironically couldn't achieve (or chose not to achieve) without coming back.

I keep trying not to be alone, and I keep ending up alone anyway. What is the point?

enjoying the ride

Being able to show someone around really shows me how far I've come. It solidifies my confidence that I know what I'm doing and I've really settled in and found my groove. This weekend, my dear friend Brandy who lives the Seoul area came to visit me. I've met up with Brandy in Seoul a few times since I've been here, but this was her first trip to Daejeon.

I'm happy to report that it was a fabulous one! First of all, it's just so nice to have someone to hang out with - especially someone who knows me, who I'm not worried about making a good impression on. (That was a terrible sentence. Oh, well.) Anyway, we shopped, we ate Mexican food, we went to Starbucks, we hit up some bars I'd been wanting to try and/or hadn't been to in a long time. Most foreigners were away at the mud festival (which Brandy and I both kept saying we were so glad we chose to skip) so all the foreigner hangouts were pretty sparse, but that's ok. We had fun anyway.

This morning, she's on her way back home and I've spending this rainy Sunday watching movies and making pancakes. I'll do more productive things like laundry and getting stuff ready for the week later on this afternoon. Speaking of rain, the rainy season has definitely arrived. It's rained for at least a couple of hours every day for the past week or so. I don't really mind it though. It's not too hot, just incredibly humid. And I like the clouds because they mean the sun isn't waking me up at 5:30 a.m.

I read on Facebook yesterday that someone I know (not well, but we went to the same college, have mutual friends and both ended up in Korea, so we became FB friends) pulled a midnight run this weekend. Apparently, things were so bad at his school that he, his wife, and three other teachers all planned and executed this massive escape all at once. That means come tomorrow morning, the school will be short FIVE foreign teachers. Wow. I don't blame them. They said the school was flagrantly stealing from them and their boss was a total jerk. I feel so fortunate that, while my school has its flaws, it's nothing so bad as that. There has never been a problem with pay, and our directors do A LOT for us. The owner is a little sketch, but in my opinion, the directors make up for it, and things could be a million times worse.

However, I did learn on Friday that a teacher is leaving at the end of August (8 months before his contract is up), which ordinarily wouldn't really affect me, but the school is probably not going to replace him. Our afternoon enrollment has been going down every month, so right now it appears that we can get by with one less teacher. This means that all the foreign teachers are going to get more classes come September, which I am none too happy about, but I just gotta roll with it. And try my best to demand more money, but who knows whether that will work or not. I've more or less come to terms with it, it's only 6 months, it's just Korea, and I feel like I know what I'm doing well enough now that I can handle it. It'll be ok. And who knows, maybe they'll replace him after all. But I'm not holding my breath.

It would take a lot for me to give up and come home early this time. Things would have to get really, really bad. And I really don't see that happening (fingers crossed). Plus, I have so many exciting things planned in the next six months that I don't want to give up. And there's the big chunk of money we get at the end of the year (assuming the school doesn't do anything shady, like fire us right before our contracts are up or shut down and refuse to pay anyone's severance or flight tickets home, but again, I really don't see that happening. I just know other people it has happened to. At other schools. But even in the grand scheme of things, that would suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world.) And, most importantly, there's the promise I made to myself to finish this and prove to myself I can do it, unless circumstances beyond my control prevent me from it. But so far, so good. All I can do is relax and go with the flow.

I'm finally starting to let go and enjoy the ride. Let's keep that going.

And in other news, two weeks from this very moment, I will be exploring the streets of Ho Chi Minh City!!!! What is UP.