So last night I went on what was probably the least awkward date I've ever been on. That's really all I want to say about that at this time, partly because I don't want to jinx anything and partly because I don't know who actually reads this. I'll say a lot in writing, but some things are just TOO personal. Ok, but one more thing about it was I realized I don't have to hide some parts of my past that I think don't make me look that great. People understand when I tell them I left Korea early and chose to start my writing career. They also understand when I accidentally tell them a story about one of the drunkest nights of my life (this particular one was spraining my ankle on 6th street). Maybe all this means is that not everyone is as judgmental as I am. Or that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold other people, or that anyone else will ever hold me to.
So I stayed at one of my oldest friend's houses this weekend. I don't like it, but we are very different people now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to party. But I don't feel the need to keep pretending I'm 18 and stay at house parties until 4 a.m. I mean, I'll go, have a few drinks, have a good time, and then go home and go to sleep. I'm sorry, I just don't want to feel like shit all week because of one night (I mean, if it's a special occasion, sure, but I save my party panties for nights that really deserve them now). The same goes for bars. I enjoy bars, but I don't need a marathon bar hop every weekend. I don't need to try to outdrink anyone or care if people are judging how much I am or am not drinking. I'm not going to pretend drunk driving doesn't bother me anymore. It does. I work at the news; I know how serious it is. I hear about every single fatal crash in 3 counties. No, thank you. I'm not 21. I don't think I need to act like I am.
I don't mean that to sound negative about this particular friend. I just find it hard to hang out with her for long periods of time now because it's almost like I'm not exciting enough for her and her group of friends. Maybe part of it too is that right now, I feel very content with who I am, where I am in my life, etc. And when she and I were a part of each other's daily lives (going all the way back to high school), I always, always felt like I was living in her shadow. She was faster and more athletic than me, she graduated one rank ahead of me, and she was the one the boys liked (maybe we spent TOO much time together back then). And even now, when I'm around her, even though she's a ton of fun to hang out with and knows me better than a lot of people, it's hard not to feel like no matter what, she's outdoing me in some way. I used to constantly compare myself to other people, and I've done a really good job recently of not doing that anymore, but when I'm around her, old habits die hard and sometimes I just have to ignore all the things about her and her life I could be jealous of.
I realize that in that last paragraph, I just exposed one of the darker sides of myself. I try not to censor, so that's going to happen sometimes. But I think I needed to get that out. It's been festering for awhile.
I'm still cautiously happy from my date last night. Hence why I quoted Paramore, one of my favorite bands, in the title of this entry.
No comments:
Post a Comment