I feel like if anyone reads this blog, they might think I'm kind of a negative person, or at least a drama queen. But, read at your own risk. While this may be a public way to express one's feelings, I'm okay with that and I use this outlet for two things: 1.) a way to work through thoughts I can't seem to otherwise, and 2.) as writing practice.
First of all, it's Jan. 4, and my New Year's resolutions are... sort of happening. I am reading more, and I plan to cancel my DirectTV in February, so that should help. I haven't written that much more, although I have been blogging more, so that's a start. I want to get back into the creative stuff though, if I can. Or work on more featurey type stuff. I'm hoping my new subscription to Texas Monthly that I got for Christmas will help me come up with ideas. My apartment is still a mess, but in my defense, I JUST got back in town. And I haven't done any yoga recently, but I have been working out consistently, so that's enough for me at the moment.
Anyway. What I really want to discuss in this issue of Sarah's Latest Made-Up Life Crisis is the personal dilemma I've been mulling over in my head for the past week or so.
I have flirted with the idea of joining the Peace Corps on and off since I was a senior in college. I really wish I had done it back then, but no point crying over that now. If I hadn't tried the teaching overseas thing (I did it through private, foreign companies, but still), I might be super gung-ho about it and want to leave tomorrow. Even as recently as Sunday, I was absolutely certain I was going to apply, just to see what happened and I could make a decision later. (If had decided to submit my application this month, I probably would've left nine months to a year from now).
But then I got to thinking. Uh-oh. The thing is (besides the horror stories I read online about people getting raped, murdered, robbed, and coming home with brain worms), I really like what I'm doing now, but sometimes I get torn between that and my yearning sense of travel, adventure, and the need to keep moving. I miss living abroad so much it hurts sometimes. If I was in a situation right now where I hated my job and needed a change in that sense, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
As much as I want to live, and to see the world and to do something for human rights, I seem to have this problem with perseverance, and I have to wonder if I left my life here (again), if I'd just be doing the same thing in reverse and still never find whatever it was I didn't know I was looking for. Deep down, I know that's true. I'm finally starting to see (and care about) the consequences of my actions before I do impulsive things. And boy, I have done some stupid/crazy things on impulse. Really big things that have caused me to go, "Oh, shit, how do I undo this?" Maybe there really is something to what they say about people under 25 being unable to see consequences because their frontal lobes aren't fully developed.
Even if all my previous...detours were results of being young and naive, it is really important to me to stop giving up. And I also feel, at my very core, that if I keep working the way I am, keep learning, and focus on what I truly want, I will someday get there, and if I don't, working this way will get me somewhere else just as good. What I truly want, if I am being honest with myself, is to move up in the journalism/communications world. I have seen other young reporters give up because they are not making enough money, and to them, it's not worth it anymore. I can't say I'll never get to that point, but at least now, 9 months in, it is still worth it. I guess that's how people who don't really want it get weeded out of any career. I've been weeded out of a few myself (cough..cough...teaching).
I think I am just getting antsy, as I do sometimes, about being ready to get out of the boonies. Ready for the next challenge. I am getting a little bored here (personally and professionally). I need more action. I want to be someone who perseveres, but I still don't see myself staying anywhere for a super long time. But I guess time will tell. And the other thing is, the Peace Corps is always an option. You can never get too old for it. So someday, if I'm being really honest with myself, and I am ready to do that, I can still apply.
I have this history also of making plans to do something cool and then backing out because I'm scared. I don't want to do that, but I don't want to be impulsive and reckless either. The real trick is telling the difference between the two. But all I can do is move forward.
The last thing it boils down to (at least the last I'm going to discuss) is that the idea of settling down, raising a family and/or staying somewhere FOREVER terrifies me. It sounds really horrifying to me right now.
Then again, maybe I've just never had a reason to stay.
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